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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Subtlovedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: painofthanatos
    Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 684/571/86
    Words: 184
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 799
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1099



    Description:
       Okay, I know the second to last stanze doesn't rhyme and the last stanza's only three lines.
    But I need some writing advice - this is the first thing I've posted in months actually...

    Also, this is kind of a true story. Right now my heart's kind of torn between two. One here and one in another county.
    This one's name is Ben.
    Tell me what you think...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSubtlovedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I love the way you casually
    Rest your leg against mine
    And the way you whisper my name
    Sends a shiver down my spine

    But I hate the way you whisper
    So your friends won't have to hear
    That the redneck mechanic
    Refers to the gothic girl as "dear"

    I love the way you call me
    In the middle of the night
    Just to tell me that you love me
    And you want me in your sight

    But I hate the way you call so late
    Keeping my tired mind awake
    Because you're scared of the stories
    Desperate people care to make

    I love the way you wrap me tight
    As we sit in our third class
    But I hate that your grip always goes slack
    Anytime someone should happen to pass

    So if you really love me
    Then I need it to show
    And I mean all the time-
    Not just when we're alone

    Because I feel like I'm insane
    When the thing that makes me happy
    Is a love that no one else can see...




    Submitted on 2006-04-10 19:10:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think the last line should end with the word "crappy" and then title it something like...From Happy to Crappy...cuz this is just what I get from the write. Her feelings of being ecstatic and then being let down by his fears in the blink of an eye. I enjoyed this read though and thought you put it together very well. Not bad for a time delayed post, cha know?
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminds me of the old song by "'Til Tuesday" called "Voices Carry"...

    I would title this "Love me with no Shame" or something similar...or maybe just "Shame"...

    My only advice is to be up front and voice your feelings and don't allow this guy to behave in ways that hurt you...patterns develop that become only more and more difficult to change as time goes on...

    I could go on and on, but won't...

    Take care,

    ~B~
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
      ok, last verse...........how about this:

    The thing that makes me happy
    Is a love that none can see

    i think that's good cause it cuts it to two lines, it rhymes, and it's ambiguous. in one sense it saying that no one is seeing how this guy makes you happy, but in another and truer sense it's saying how love that would really make you happy can't be seen here because it isn't here.

    he's playing with you and i'm gonna break his teeth.

    and how about this for a title: Subtlove.

    i just made up that word, and i'll probably want to use it some time, but u can have it if you want it. i think it's perfect for your poem.

    hope you're having a beautiful day!
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      Well ok...................HMMMMMMMMMM.................................................................How about "I love Your Twisted Hate"......Joshua......................................................................................................................................................Jimmy makes me put in a whole of stuff just to say whatever it is I want to say
    | Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by ooononotthatguy | [ Reply to This ]


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