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Subtlove


Author: painofthanatos
Elite Ratio:    4.32 - 684 /571 /86
Words: 184
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1076
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1099



Description:


Okay, I know the second to last stanze doesn't rhyme and the last stanza's only three lines.
But I need some writing advice - this is the first thing I've posted in months actually...

Also, this is kind of a true story. Right now my heart's kind of torn between two. One here and one in another county.
This one's name is Ben.
Tell me what you think...


Subtlove



I love the way you casually
Rest your leg against mine
And the way you whisper my name
Sends a shiver down my spine

But I hate the way you whisper
So your friends won't have to hear
That the redneck mechanic
Refers to the gothic girl as "dear"

I love the way you call me
In the middle of the night
Just to tell me that you love me
And you want me in your sight

But I hate the way you call so late
Keeping my tired mind awake
Because you're scared of the stories
Desperate people care to make

I love the way you wrap me tight
As we sit in our third class
But I hate that your grip always goes slack
Anytime someone should happen to pass

So if you really love me
Then I need it to show
And I mean all the time-
Not just when we're alone

Because I feel like I'm insane
When the thing that makes me happy
Is a love that no one else can see...




Submitted on 2006-04-10 19:10:31     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I think the last line should end with the word "crappy" and then title it something like...From Happy to Crappy...cuz this is just what I get from the write. Her feelings of being ecstatic and then being let down by his fears in the blink of an eye. I enjoyed this read though and thought you put it together very well. Not bad for a time delayed post, cha know?
| Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
  This reminds me of the old song by "'Til Tuesday" called "Voices Carry"...

I would title this "Love me with no Shame" or something similar...or maybe just "Shame"...

My only advice is to be up front and voice your feelings and don't allow this guy to behave in ways that hurt you...patterns develop that become only more and more difficult to change as time goes on...

I could go on and on, but won't...

Take care,

~B~
| Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Emerging Soul | [ Reply to This ]
  ok, last verse...........how about this:

The thing that makes me happy
Is a love that none can see

i think that's good cause it cuts it to two lines, it rhymes, and it's ambiguous. in one sense it saying that no one is seeing how this guy makes you happy, but in another and truer sense it's saying how love that would really make you happy can't be seen here because it isn't here.

he's playing with you and i'm gonna break his teeth.

and how about this for a title: Subtlove.

i just made up that word, and i'll probably want to use it some time, but u can have it if you want it. i think it's perfect for your poem.

hope you're having a beautiful day!
| Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
  Well ok...................HMMMMMMMMMM.................................................................How about "I love Your Twisted Hate"......Joshua......................................................................................................................................................Jimmy makes me put in a whole of stuff just to say whatever it is I want to say
| Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by ooononotthatguy | [ Reply to This ]


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