Shattered by DeepsLighter

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Submission Name: Shattered dots

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Author:	DeepsLighter
ASL Info:	17/f/Brazil
Elite Ratio:	7.89 - 97/62/14
Words:	202

Class/Type:	Misc/
Total Views:	212
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	1156

Description:
this is dedicated to ... well you know who u r, even if ur never gonna read this poem ...
something happened ... had a conversation w/ a friend, an analogy came up ... today that analogy became a poem ... or a "poem" ...

Shattered dots

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Two people,
one glass.
Both hold it with one hand each.
The grip is not too tight,
not too loose –
just right.
He begins by adding a letter with the words:
“I love you” on it.
She writes back, “I love you too,” and puts
the paper in the glass.
He adds a ring for her,
She adds her ring for him,
Symbolizing their promise.
The glass is filled with their love,
Their laughter,
Their tears.
He slowly begins to loosen his grip.
She doesn’t notice.
He loosens it a bit more,
Finally she sees what's going on,
She doesn’t understand, but follows his actions,
Not thinking straight.
All of a sudden, the glass slips from their hands,
Falling to the floor.

It shatters.

His letter is torn with a piece of shattered glass.
The laughter is gone, but tears remain.
The rings – where are the rings?
Gone … no longer there …
His ring to her? broken …
The only blood that is seen
is on her hand.

Submitted on 2006-04-10 20:15:14 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  You captured in a moment so much. I really am getting addicted to your writing :)

This one hits kindof close to home but it really is an amzing write. The last line is awesome, I dont even know if you wrote it intentionally but the line
"the only blood that is seen is on her hand"
Meaning, that she bleeds in her heart but that is not seen. It was very clever.
Good job.
Shaun
| Posted on 2007-07-06 00:00:00 | by shanu | [ Reply to This ]
  wow, this is honestly n my opinion, the strongest of all of your writes. i must thank you for writing this poem first of all. almost brings a tear to my eye when relating this to my own life and the life of those whom i know who've gone thru this same type of hardship before.

love, what a terrible beast. one believes they're in love when the only thing they're feeling is that of infatuation, like the feeling of eating too much at an expensive restuarant to give yourself the feeling that you actually appreciated the meal that they bought for you, only going to the restroom 5 minutes later to expel that same reassurance from your bowels, left empty, hollowed and broken inside...

or buying that ring. they want you to get it on your own and present it to them, but rings don't matter to you in their case, because now infatuation is long gone, and your ealize what ur married to, so you buy her a ring just to shut her up, and a necklace to match. she goes around telling everyone you love her so much, when the only love you have for her is when she lies on her back for you, or stands over the stove, or washer and dryer, or her checkbook...

*sighs*-this has inspired me to write a poem of my own "Melanie of Erotica", about this topic and the rant both. like i said to another poet here on ES, originality spurs thought, without such a thing existing, the poet would have no purpose.

merry meet and blessed be friend, and i look forward to reading more of your works here in the near future.

Loquacious Mind
| Posted on 2006-08-07 00:00:00 | by Loquacious Mind | [ Reply to This ]
  I like your words and thoughts on this subject.
Your poem makes you wonder what happend? Did it work out? Was it a joke? Is he gone? Anyway I lke what I read!
Kelley Frost
| Posted on 2006-06-03 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
  I simply saw everything here in the write. My heart is broken; I know where this comes from and what goes on. I have a feeling some friends of yours broke up and you have no idea why, or how??
Just a thought.

Anyway, about the write. It was absolutely fantastic, and I simply cannot find anything that needs improvement. This, my friend, is rare. (although you might wanna check on your capitilization and junk, but that is just basic crap ^_^)

Wonderful job. Instant favorite.

Kichi
| Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by Raging Rain | [ Reply to This ]
  To be honest at first I was not sure if I was going to like this. However, it held my attention to the end. I like the imagry used. Like a realtionship, but you chose a "shared glass" to symbolize this. You also added contents to the glass. So that when it fell it had more power. If it were empty all along that would have been different entirely. The loss was so much more, so strongly felt becasue of the simple, yet binding contents.

"His letter is torn with a piece of shattered glass.
The laughter is gone, but tears remain.
The rings – where are the rings?
Gone … no longer there …
His ring to her? broken …
The only blood that is seen
is on her hand."

This is the best part. A sumation of all that is lost, yet, blood is all that is left. No more hearts or love, just a tiny cut to sybolize the end of something so precious and great. I love this one very much. Great work.
| Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by mywordscutmetoo | [ Reply to This ]
  Very simple imagery there. Not too complex poem, which is good. :) The flow was ok too.
A few suggestions, first,
"He then adds a ring for her,
Symbolizing his promise.
She adds her ring for him,
Symbolizing her promise. "
A bit repetitive there. could be fixed easily by changing it to something like,
"He adds a ring for her,
She adds her ring for him,
Symbolizing their promise. "

second,
"With no warning, he slowly loosens his grip."
Maybe it should be "without warning" instead? it'd sound better :) and also lose the "slowly"... cos "without warning" and "slowly" doesn't sound right together. :P

third,
"Then she realizes"... errr, the line has nothing wrong in particular, but wouldn't it be better if you could make it sound more dramatic here? Maybe you could change it to "Then she panics" or something.

My two cents. :)

Bann
| Posted on 2006-04-10 00:00:00 | by unREMb | [ Reply to This ]
  In this poem I see a belief that your men don't care as much about love as you do. I have found a wonderful depth in this poem not usually comprehended by one so young. You have gone beyond yourself to tell a story worth telling. Don't misunderstand me... I see it's YOUR story and you've done a superb job.

Cheers," Keep your stick on the ice "... (that was a little Canadian hockey saying)

:)
| Posted on 2006-06-23 00:00:00 | by Shaqua1973 | [ Reply to This ]
  As hard as it is to admit...I just came out of a realtionship Me and Catherine i love her so much til i cry everytime i think about her. She promised to love me and during those times we held on to our love. PLanning to get married a boy 18 with a fragile heart next to a woman 23 with a son and an abusive ex-boyfriend but no matter what people had to say about us we did not care all we knew was love thats it. We had out problems she left from time to time without telling anyone hurt me alot but i nevr wanted to let her go...She left me without a word without a trace so i cry she let go of that glass where as im still trying to pick up the fragments. Your poetry brought me to a place i can't ever forget I felt this alot because i relate to it so much. It was dark and it flowed just as my tears. It brought a feeling that i think u wanted it to when you were writing
She doesn’t understand, but follows his actions,
Not thinking straight.
All of a sudden, the glass slips from their hands,
Falling to the floor.
I felt that so hard. A really great write honestly keep it up. Thanks for the write I will be back for more.
| Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by wallya20 | [ Reply to This ]
  Deeps,
this is really good! I like the how you describe the perfection of love by not holding on too tight but never letting go- not even for a moment. As depressing as it turned out, it is really one of your finest. Yes, shattered glass- it's almost the existence of the non-existence, love was there but never really there in the end.

I applaud you my friend.
-stacey-
| Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by idlewriter | [ Reply to This ]

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