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    dots Submission Name: A Poemdots

    Author: D McDaniel
    ASL Info:    60/M/CT
    Elite Ratio:    5.57 - 266/222/62
    Words: 155
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1143
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1069


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA Poemdots

    I neednít touch your silken hair
    or feel rose petal skin.
    The type of love I have for you...
    it burns from deep within.

    Yet in my soul the fires rage,
    but nothing is consumed.
    My spirit wanders aimlessly,
    from room to darkened room.

    The proper words I cannot find,
    sometimes to show my love.
    Yet here Iím looking at your face,
    while you look from above.

    Still, my soul stirs with great desire,
    to reach up and touch you.
    As these feelings that Iím having,
    I know theyíre in you too.

    But you will some day think of me,
    when my book you have closed.
    And I am just a memory...
    and not the one you chose.

    of all that I have looked up at,
    Ďtis you I wished Iíd known.
    For yours is a breathing spirit,
    and mine... Iím just a poem.


    Submitted on 2006-04-11 07:28:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      i see what you mean. i love the twist. this is a stunning piece. the idea behind this is original. thats is always good. i just love this. superb!!
    | Posted on 2006-10-21 00:00:00 | by whirl | [ Reply to This ]
      i can see why the whole world has commented on this one oh yes i can...

    its so beautiful.

    at first i wasnt so sure of it... it had the makings of some trashy love piece that just makes me wanna vomit not melt... you got me... i melted.

    theres a coupla places further through the write that lose their rhythm you have going but man... i cannot make rhythms happen like this for longer than 4 lines and then im pushing it im sure...

    i like how [censored] the reader in... making them think they know what this piece is about and then BAM its so not...

    i dont know though... i think if i were a poem i would be blessed (so long as it wasnt one of my own though i think i am a part of them...)
    but i can see the pressure there would be to be remembered. i mean... why do we remember ones more than others or elevate some to higher places in our lives, societies...

    i really have nothing constructive to say on this one... comment hell for me... but seriously beautiful piece. thank you for putting me onto it,...

    | Posted on 2006-09-28 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this one. I like this one a lot. I love the flow and rhyme scheme that you have in this one. It reminded me of "Listen..." by Ogden Nash. Anyway. The poem was beautiful. thats the only word I can think of right now to describe it. beautiful. the only thing that was off about this piece was my confusion about the break. I noticed that the flow changed and it caught me off guard. anyway. the librarys closing now so unfortunatly i cannot comment more. but faves for sure. i'll read more of your writings in the future.
    | Posted on 2006-05-12 00:00:00 | by Dimension_X | [ Reply to This ]
      This was written quite wonderfully... strong in meter as I just felt like skipping around swinging a basket full of flowers... (weird i know). I only have one tweek to share, as I will after I try to share what I see this work saying... I would say that the writer shared his feelings in a poem and not to the woman he cares for. Expressed through out is a frustration of one knowing what they want to say, but being held back from a type of fear. First read I thought that the speaker killed the woman he writes about -- looking down at her face while she looks at him from above-- yet almost like a riddle how perfectly "the poem" fits the bill. The final two stanzas tells me that she can express and he feels concealed-- outside his writing, and because of this he is loosing the relationship. This is quite wonderful, creative and very well written. Do you even want to hear the little tweek?? I only share because the rest is flawless...
    "My soul stirs with a desire,"
    Each of your 1st and third line are rhythmed perfect with 8 syllables, this one 7. I would suggest a one syllable word after stirs... maybe:
    My soul stirs still with a desire,

    This really is a wonderful poem
    | Posted on 2006-05-03 00:00:00 | by Just Kel | [ Reply to This ]
      You are amazing

    I had to catch my breath after reading this. I think I am going to digest it some more before I make further comments.

    Talk soon

    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by hauntedrose | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmmm, I'm thinking...
    this is about a poem and the reader. A love poem in a book that some lady is reading.. the poem takes on human characteristics.... wanting to be the one she chooses.. yet, she chose another.

    It has another side too.. of a man sending his love out through a poem.. yet is in someway rejected as she chooses another.. or.. left behind (like discarded words on a page), perhaps by death?

    I enjoy enigmatic poems that say several things to the reader as this one does.

    I'll leave here wondering if I'm at all right in the interpretation.

    Just one minor thing, maybe two...
    In the last stanza..
    L1 - "Of should be of
    L3- your's should be yours

    only added that because you asked for an "Overall Assessment"

    Good Writing!
    | Posted on 2006-04-22 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well this definately had a great twist to it at the end. The emotions being shared between the writer's soul and the words on the paper. This gives me a wonderful image of a piece of paper just bleeding for the writer. I sure hope that I got this piece for what it was meant to be. I really don't have a whole lot to say, other than I thought it was absolutely amazing for what it brought to my mind. It's something that I never looked at from that perspective.

    | Posted on 2006-04-22 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      I definitely loved this. Well..they've already mentioned the things I wanted to say..the imagery, word choice, flow, structure, emotions..The title is just fine for me. I really liked the last stanza. Though this is kinda sad, it left me with a feeling of wonder..don't know exactly why..maybe the creativeness of the piece..*smiles*

    Thanks for inviting me to read this. I'll check your other works, too, 'cause I really enjoyed this one. I can see just by reading this piece that there's a need for me to read them.^_^
    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by raineces | [ Reply to This ]
      Ohhhh! This one is another sad one by you. This one reads to me as a man who has lost his true love to death. This is a lovely poem and so very sad. Losing someone you love this way is so hard to deal with. To going from together and happy to all of a sudden alone and filled with grief is tragic. I like the use of imagery in scattered areas to emphasize the turmoil he feels such as the reference to wandering in the darkened rooms, but this one is not so much of descriptive imagery but more of emotion and feelings. You really do a good job with it. I think, in my opinion, you should change the title just a bit. I like the title but I think if you called it "Just A Poem", it would place so much more emphasis on it and also tie it in completely with that last line. A very powerful last stanza here. I enjoy reading your work. I have not much to pick on with you. Take care.

    | Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      i must agree with the other two... what a piece you have here. i dont have anything bad to say about it either... it was a pleasure for my eyes to read... and really tickled my senses.........makes me wonder what the hell i'm doing down here on this idiot box... instead of upstairs in bed... cuddling the one i love... * sigh* anyway... yea. awesome write... and i too really loved the ending... was a really nice way to close this..

    | Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by Poetic | [ Reply to This ]
      Wonderful piece of work!

    I thoroughly enjoyed reading "The Poem." The ending as Lee described above was in my opinion perfect.

    How long did it take you to create this? The flow of "The Poem" fit together in a way that made reading it a pleasure.

    I will have to checkout some of your other work. If this is an indication of what your capable of, I want to read more of it.

    You must live in the northeastern countryside of CT where it is quiet and peaceful, right?

    Best regards,
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Daokao | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi there

    This was awesome. Know I should give better comment than that, but theres nothing I would have changed.
    Youre word choice is beautiful, certainly a poem from which I can learn allot from.

    "Still.... of all that I have looked up at,
    tis you I wished Id known.
    For yours is a breathing spirit,
    and mine.... Im just a poem."

    What an ending, made me really sit and think afterwards. What inspired you to write this?
    Love your work.


    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Lee | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is one of the gentler poems you have written.
    I enjoyed many parts of it, mainly the ending. I don't know why but the fourth stanza seems the weakest. I just thought I would point that out. Other than that I can't find much wrong with this. It is simple and straight to the point. Easy to read and consume.
    I am glad this was the first poem I picked to read since I got back.

    | Posted on 2006-04-15 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]

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