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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Now It Is ......dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Khaled AbdAllah
    ASL Info:    22 - male - Egypt
    Elite Ratio:    4.2 - 129/137/30
    Words: 137
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 862
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 851



    Description:
       I do not know why I wrote this one but I think it is some old memories got up to the surface and could not bear not to write it. I have broken up with my ex-faincee and I'm with my new one and very happy. I have revised it please tell me what do you think?... I hope you will all like it.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNow It Is ......dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Now it is your turn to pay back
    Of stapping me at the back
    To feel that deep sorrow
    To taste that bitter honey
    You were mersyless when
    You left me without giving
    yourself just one moment
    To think of me......
    Have you ever imagined how
    much I suffered......
    And you are calling me
    To be back to you....
    It is now my turn to see
    you ashamed of your crimes.
    You have buried that sweet
    emotions of me with your own
    hands.
    Regretting yourself now is
    useless... One last thing for
    you to know, that knight on
    this black horse has packed
    up his luguages and decided
    not to be back and why not
    I've found that great love
    I've searched and dreamed of
    all my life....




    Submitted on 2006-04-11 11:51:09     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Interesting. I enjoyed the imagery used here. I did spot some typos:

    1.) stapping- stabbing
    2.)mersyless-merciless
    3.)luguages-luggages

    Your flow was okay. It seem as if you could of made this into stanzas and it would of read better. Maybe about two or three short stanzas.

    Your wording was good until we got to the end. I think that part about the knight was good, until you mentioned the part about the luggage. And then adding the new love...it did not seem to fit. This was about you and her, and it would of been nice if you kept it that way throughout the poem. This was good.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Few typos in this one but other then that I have no critiques. Funny how when you think you have a good thing it ends up being the wrong thing for you.

    All one can do is provide themself with all the love they need in life. And when a person can find that love....depend on themself.....and be okay with that.....usually the "other" appears. And they come out of no where.

    The greatest things in life are found when you aren't looking.

    This was a great piece. You put a lot of the turmoil on the pad and let the ink run the emotional chaos out of your mind.

    Great job!

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      I read this from several perspectives. It is a joy to know new love and be able to stick your tongue out at those that did not appreciate you. You capture that feeling well.

    From the spelling things and your home, I am guessing that English is a second language. So I am OK with words being done phonetically. I certainly understand what you are saying.

    I think there may be another phase to this one. I remember reading an ancient poet that wrote about kissing every scar and thanking it for its lesson. Each lost love teaches us what real love is. Without losing the old, you can never have the new. In that, perhaps, there is a place to offer deep gratitude to your ex. I think you should bless her for being a signpost on your road to true love.

    Nice work.

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2006-04-15 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]


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