My love you threw away
With the games you continued to play
My love you didn't accept
Now it's leaving me that you regret?
I can't understand why after so long
You just decide to up and leave
And its all killing me ever so softly
I had to realize and come to my senses
That there is nothing between us only sad tension
I am able to face this world alone
Because, if anything you are the one that blinded me
| Good job lady. I actually quite liked this one, for all that it was short. I just went through something like this, so it's tickling my fancy tremendously. If I may suggest, I think the last line, you could extend, as in how he blinded you and to what he blinded you to.|
|| Posted on 2006-05-07 00:00:00 | by Karios | [ Reply to This ] || Hey Christina, |
Thisone was ok but i don't think its your best... you put your point into it but left it there. i think you can take this as a subject and really do something with it. you got talent girl use it lol
|| Posted on 2006-04-28 00:00:00 | by hammyj | [ Reply to This ] || Somehow after a terrible break up you finally move on only to have that one person want you back. It's a shame they couldn't realize their mistake earlier. People are forever make an impluse decision they soon will forget. Your flow was excellent, the rhythm was there and easy to follow. I think "only sad tension" should have its own line to make it more pronounce for this is a strong statement to make. Othewise, I really have nothing else to say, but Good Job! I enjoyed it!||| Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by Renada | [ Reply to This ] || except = accept|
its = it's
alon = alone
The second stanza needs punctuation, particularly:
'nothing between us only sad tension' = 'nothing between us, only sad tension'
'because if anything you' = 'because, if anything, you'
Anything with kill/death and soft/slow in it is way overdone. Really get in touch with the feelings you are trying to express and describe them in exactly the way you feel them. Don't use other people's words.
It was a little odd to have the rhyme in the first stanza, but not the second. The rhythm was also a lot better in the first stanza.
Your descriptions need some work.
I'm not one for angst, but I guess this is okay.
|| Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by HaldirLives | [ Reply to This ] || Christina|
LOL hope I didn't spell it wrong I'll feel like an ass. Anyways I liked this one I thought that it summed up your feelings very well. I loved the way it all flowed together too. Beautiful! Hope to hear from ya
|| Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by Darkestlove | [ Reply to This ] || Well, I must say, this piece really doesn't have any structure. The first stanza has a specific rhyme pattern, yet, the second, has a different one. I think that could use some work, because it really takes away from the over all piece. I am happy that there was a realization, and that you were able to get over it before anything went wrong. Good job.|
|| Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by darkened_soul | [ Reply to This ] |