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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Devastationdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Babysweet56
    ASL Info:    17/f/NY
    Elite Ratio:    5.6 - 165/179/61
    Words: 236
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 731
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1603



    Description:
       This is a rewrite of my poem, "There's Devastation in Watching Bridges Burn". I really wasn't happy with the original version so I decided to completely rework it and I'm much happier with this new version.

    All comments are greatly appreciated, enjoy!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDevastationdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I clipped the grace of his butterflies,
    torturing the wretched fragments
    as they fluttered to the dirt,
    watching in morbid satisfaction as their souls convulsed
    against the goosebumps between my toes.

    [Last night, he broke me
    and measured how my body shook
    to uneven beats of a 1988 demigod]

    The shock made their antennae glow
    and I swear to God I felt it--

    somewhere in the synapse between the blue-
    green veins protruding from my wrist
    and the silver bangles that rattle when I speak,
    it hurt,
    (I begged, but he wouldn’t let it stop).

    This morning I laid their underappreciated corpses to rest,
    covering the distortions in their microscopic faces with rocks,
    garnishing the shallow graves with the skin he left under my fingernails
    Their lifeless bodies created a mosaic of devastation
    against the decaying walls of sidewalk cracks
    and their insignificant sins slithered across the concrete...

    ...I’ll admit, I lost myself to Egyptian cotton;
    to the way his tongue salivated self-destruction;
    to the aroma of unprecedented candy-
    coated emotion on his breath.

    [I let him mutilate my throat with rotten sugarcane.
    I gave him my God and he swallowed Her whole.]

    With his palms pressed hard against the runs in my stockings,
    I let him burn the New York skyline alive,
    and took careful note of the way
    my crying made his body convulse.




    Submitted on 2006-04-11 16:14:52     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      In reading this, first, let me say that i find it to be quite pleasing.

    It seems like it should be :
    "...torturing the wretched fragments
    as they fluttered to the dirt." (And such cruelty, ripping away their wings *and* stamping them out?)

    In your brackets part it seems like it would read better if you broke it down like :
    "...and measured how my body shook
    to uneven beats of a 1988 demigod]"

    I could be taking this a different way than you intended, or that you took, but i see such sufficient callousness thoughout this entire piece. By the by i really like "...mosaic of devestation" very nice. I also see cruel sex in this piece. What with butterflies signifying innocence and the cold way they're utterly destroyed.

    You also rhyme with "cotton / self-destruction" i don't think it's intentional as it's the only one i see.

    Also, at the end, i think it'd have more of an oomph-what-happened-to-my-breath punch if you changed it to :

    "...and took careful note of the way
    my crying made his body convulse."

    Because "...my crying made his body convulse." is extremely powerful - to me, at any rate - and as a stand alone line that's quite an uppercut.

    I hope this is helpful to you.
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]


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