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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Dead Rosedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Herrick
    ASL Info:    20/M/AL
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 20/29/11
    Words: 72
    Class/Type: Poetry/The pain inside
    Total Views: 1335
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 425



    Description:
       Eh... I wrote this quite a while ago, when I was having some problems with someone... It's in need of a lot of work.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDead Rosedots
    -------------------------------------------


    `I read the letter on her eyes
    Destroying any chance of surprise
    I walked away with my head hung low
    Searching for the innocence she stole
    I painted a picture with a black rose
    Showing the side that nobody knows
    I recite the poem that she wrote for me
    knowing it's bullsh**. It has to be.
    I lay my head down to the bed
    Dreaming of a rose... when it was red.




    Submitted on 2006-04-11 17:32:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

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    2: I dunno...
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    ||| Comments |||
      Taking the idea of a wilted flower and entwineing it with the sadness of a relationship's issues is beautiful. You have such a solid feeling through all of this.

    I am very much impressed with this work. As a whole this was lovely. I offer you nothing but praise for it.

    Well done.
    | Posted on 2008-07-13 00:00:00 | by Celeste J. Bell | [ Reply to This ]
      I know that I've commented on this one already, but I really like it.
    The picture that you chose for this poem is beautiful,. I like that it's not in color, and that the roses are all shrivled and dried. It illustrates the poem beautifully.
    I think that my favorite part is
    "I recite the poem that she wrote for me
    knowing it's bullsh**. It has to be."

    It shows a bit of the old part of you that loved and trusted her, then it also shows the newer part of you that knows she lied. It sort of shows conflict with yourself. Almost like you don't want to believe it but you know it is true.

    This poem is beautiful. You are a beautiful writer. I remember when you first sent this to me in my e mail because Jaz told you to. I remember thinking that it was such a beautiful poem, but it made me sad because I wanted you to feel that way about me. Not the sad part.. but the love part. So did I win? ;)
    | Posted on 2006-10-02 00:00:00 | by jessie thomas | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Herrick,

    just saw that you had logged on and checked this out.

    This was quite nice and the picture adds a lot as well. Walking away with your head hung low and dreaming about the 'red' rose that she is says much about you.

    Donn
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]
      I have loved this poemever since you sent it to me. It is still in my e mail. I just love it. I loved the idea of comparing your relationship with a dead rose, as I know how you feel about roses.
    The overall rhyme scheme in this poem was wonderful. I liked the part about knowing that her poem was bull[censored].
    It is a short poem, but it conveys a lot of emotion very well, I think.
    Very good job, here, fellow.
    | Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by jessie thomas | [ Reply to This ]
      oh wow, that was good, what a way to start it out. I really suggest you try to write in freeverse. It seems as if you have a lot to say and would be able to say a lot more if you was.
    | Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by daughterofdeath | [ Reply to This ]
      Ya know, this is a good beginning. I must say it needs a bit of work but the overall message is a good one. I would suggest you work on the meter of this as some lines fall short of tempo. If I may make a suggestion in this line "Searching for the innocence she stole" I would say...'searching for the innocence THAT she stole'. I think adding that one word really helps the flow of this from the previous line. I like the picture you have added to this. It compliments this poem very well indeed. I think we have all been there. Thinking of a person when they were once someone you thought the world of and the feelings were so strong, only to find out in the end that you were totally wrong. YUP!! been there!! I would also suggest the first line should say "in her eyes". It just sounds better and makes more sense to me. Anyway, I thought this was pretty good. Welcome to elite. take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      It was rough, to say the least, but the idea was there. I understand that you wrote this awhile ago, probably under a period of duress, but maybe you should try to clean it up more. Other then that, I don't have much to say. Sorry if it sound's like I'm bashing you. I'm really not trying to.
    Cheers,
    ~Persephone~
    | Posted on 2006-04-11 00:00:00 | by Persephone | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, I totally love this, it's kewl how you related your relationship with "someone" to a rose because when people say a rose represents love I have to wonder if they remember that roses wither and die. the whole "her write was BS" was kinda interesting too because a lot of times people believe something for so long that it really hurts to think that it may have never been true, but the truth has to show itself sometime.
    very good write, I'll be sure to check out some more of your writes,
    peace and love,
    ~jess
    | Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a very good write
    You captured a lot of emotion in the little amount of words you used
    I can feel your pain and your wanting to go back to the way things were
    The only advice I can give is remian Strong
    If this relationship was meant to be she will come back to you with arms wide open
    God Bless
    Ron

    And let me Welcome you to Elite Skills
    I hope this site brings you all the joy it has brought to me
    Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think
    Thank You
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-04-15 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      I love that.
    It's so calm and sad, but pretty at the same time.
    I wouldn't say it's in need of a lot of work.
    I like it a lot.

    My favorite part is:

    "I painted a picture with a black rose
    Showing the side that nobody knows
    I recite the poem that she wrote for me
    knowing it's bullsh**. It has to be."

    That is absolutely gorgeous.

    I can give you nothing but compliments, dear.
    Very nicely done

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]


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