Description: Eh... I wrote this quite a while ago, when I was having some problems with someone... It's in need of a lot of work.
Dead Rose -------------------------------------------
`I read the letter on her eyes
Destroying any chance of surprise
I walked away with my head hung low
Searching for the innocence she stole
I painted a picture with a black rose
Showing the side that nobody knows
I recite the poem that she wrote for me
knowing it's bullsh**. It has to be.
I lay my head down to the bed
Dreaming of a rose... when it was red.
I know that I've commented on this one already, but I really like it. The picture that you chose for this poem is beautiful,. I like that it's not in color, and that the roses are all shrivled and dried. It illustrates the poem beautifully. I think that my favorite part is "I recite the poem that she wrote for me knowing it's bullsh**. It has to be."
It shows a bit of the old part of you that loved and trusted her, then it also shows the newer part of you that knows she lied. It sort of shows conflict with yourself. Almost like you don't want to believe it but you know it is true.
This poem is beautiful. You are a beautiful writer. I remember when you first sent this to me in my e mail because Jaz told you to. I remember thinking that it was such a beautiful poem, but it made me sad because I wanted you to feel that way about me. Not the sad part.. but the love part. So did I win? ;)
I have loved this poemever since you sent it to me. It is still in my e mail. I just love it. I loved the idea of comparing your relationship with a dead rose, as I know how you feel about roses. The overall rhyme scheme in this poem was wonderful. I liked the part about knowing that her poem was bull[censored]. It is a short poem, but it conveys a lot of emotion very well, I think. Very good job, here, fellow.
Ya know, this is a good beginning. I must say it needs a bit of work but the overall message is a good one. I would suggest you work on the meter of this as some lines fall short of tempo. If I may make a suggestion in this line "Searching for the innocence she stole" I would say...'searching for the innocence THAT she stole'. I think adding that one word really helps the flow of this from the previous line. I like the picture you have added to this. It compliments this poem very well indeed. I think we have all been there. Thinking of a person when they were once someone you thought the world of and the feelings were so strong, only to find out in the end that you were totally wrong. YUP!! been there!! I would also suggest the first line should say "in her eyes". It just sounds better and makes more sense to me. Anyway, I thought this was pretty good. Welcome to elite. take care.
It was rough, to say the least, but the idea was there. I understand that you wrote this awhile ago, probably under a period of duress, but maybe you should try to clean it up more. Other then that, I don't have much to say. Sorry if it sound's like I'm bashing you. I'm really not trying to. Cheers, ~Persephone~
wow, I totally love this, it's kewl how you related your relationship with "someone" to a rose because when people say a rose represents love I have to wonder if they remember that roses wither and die. the whole "her write was BS" was kinda interesting too because a lot of times people believe something for so long that it really hurts to think that it may have never been true, but the truth has to show itself sometime. very good write, I'll be sure to check out some more of your writes, peace and love, ~jess
This is a very good write You captured a lot of emotion in the little amount of words you used I can feel your pain and your wanting to go back to the way things were The only advice I can give is remian Strong If this relationship was meant to be she will come back to you with arms wide open God Bless Ron
And let me Welcome you to Elite Skills I hope this site brings you all the joy it has brought to me Please if you get a chance Please take a look at some of my writes and let me know what you think Thank You Ron