first hand experience by ghostknight

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Submission Name: first hand experience dots

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Author:	ghostknight
ASL Info:	21, M
Elite Ratio:	5.37 - 170/252/62
Words:	110

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	246
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	811

Description:

first hand experience dots

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never said
math maintains machinery
never asked
what is hope
but primal fear, multiplied
implied it though, that's good enough

coming around
sometimes people find
new burdens, release
the eyes don't lie
they watched you make
your first mistake
and learn from it in
hindsight

never said

what it would take to sink
a cruiseliner
ha
i

felt the need to demand control i
felt the need to sleep
they said i was safe but
i saw outlets and nooses all
around me
waiting to converse
and i missed you so much
i didn't even need to write a note

you would understand
i hope

Submitted on 2006-04-11 18:38:37 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
Gar.

I can't stop reading this.

I can't decide if this is about suicide-- or something else.

The fluid, unforced flow, and the casual rhyme in "they watched you make/your first mistake" make it enjoyable to read-- and then intensify the understatement (ha) of the dread that bubbles underneath the surface.

There's nothing complicated about it. But it's built so archly-- bordering on what should be cliché, but completely ignores that possibility. Terry Pratchett once said that clichés are the hammers and screwdrivers of communication. There's something intriguing here-- simple, effective, and intriguing enough where I just have to read it several times.

Then there's that bit where you go

"ha"

followed by

"i"

which I first thought was an exclamation point.

I love it.
| Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by mara | [ Reply to This ]
"felt the need to demand control i
felt the need to sleep
they said i was safe but
i saw outlets and nooses all
around me
waiting to converse
and i missed you so much
i didn't even need to write a note"

I think this stanza, meaning wise, is the strongest. I think it could use a bit of a lineation job, though. I really like how you end the first line with the 'i'. What would it do the poem to relineate the rest of that stanza the same way? To enjamb after the 'i's? I think it adds an interesting rhythm and added meaning to the piece... a sense of that 'i' ness that that first line of the stanza has... that identification of 'i' as it's own entity and idea all at once.
| Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]

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