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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Blossom of Aprildots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: comradenessie
    Elite Ratio:    6.5 - 626/539/110
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1189
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 950



    Description:
       About Spring and the world's most beautiful little boy - he belongs to a friend of mine.
    Thanks to rws for his suggestion and dreamweaver for the constructive criticism.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBlossom of Aprildots
    -------------------------------------------


    Springtime: nature stirs,
    yawning, rubs away
    the dust of winter sleep
    the cut heads
    of crocus that clustered
    by the Catholic church
    are all that is left
    of last monthís lilac mass.

    April showers water
    seedlings that break
    the surface toward Summer
    and daffodils glisten,
    after rain, like crocks
    of Irelandís gold
    nuggets precious
    as the new born day.

    Unsteady, he strives
    to stand erect,
    tiny fingers clutching
    Autumnís weathered hands.
    Six-months old,
    he smiles our world,
    the spotless future shines
    in his Irish eyes.

    Pink-petaled magnolia
    form baby mouths
    and Forsythia
    bursts into bloom
    near barren branches.
    Nature has her seasons
    and Shaun is all
    our expectations.





    Submitted on 2006-04-12 10:46:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      Very nice, What think ye of taking the stanza


    Springtime: nature stirs,
    yawning, rubs away
    the dust of winter sleep
    the cut heads
    of crocus that clustered
    by the Catholic church
    are all that is left
    of last monthís lilac mass.

    Pink-petaled magnolia
    form baby mouths
    and Forsythia
    bursts into bloom
    near barren branches.
    Nature has her seasons
    and Shaun is all
    our expectations.

    Unsteady, he strives
    to stand erect,
    tiny fingers clutching
    Autumnís weathered hands.
    Six-months old,
    he smiles our world,
    the spotless future shines
    in his Irish eyes

    April showers water
    seedlings that break
    the surface toward Summer
    and daffodils glisten,
    after rain, like crocks
    of Irelandís gold
    nuggets precious
    as the new born babe.

    Just a thought cause it is wonderful. The descriptives make me feel as though i am looking and looking at all the beauty and pastoral scene...drinking it in,,,and the Shaun is the reason you are in such a noticing mood.

    ever yers,
    koster
    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by koster | [ Reply to This ]
      Spring and children fit so well together.
    Both of them are pure and natural.
    One of the two seasons that I like the most is spring and the second is winter. Winter is a favorite because it is the time of rest. A fresh coat of snow is a blanket that covers the ground before its long slumber.

    I like how you show spring waking up from the long winter, rubbing the sleep from it eye.
    This could fit right in with the child waking as he rubs his eyes and sees his mother. A smile suddenly appears.

    The first two stanzas paint a picture of spring beauty then the third stanza paints a picture of innocents in its purest form. The last stanza clearly shows why babies and spring are so perfect together.

    I know I was supposed to try to analyze your poem but hey, it is hard when you are talking about babies. One of my weaknesses. That is why I had five kids. LOL

    Nicely done

    Respect and Admiration


    Clyde

    | Posted on 2006-05-05 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      OK...now people are gonna read my other comment and think I'm a big jerk! lol

    I really like this version where you switched things up a bit. It sounds way better to introduce Shaun this way and leaves a reader to almost hold their breath, waiting to hear more about him. Again, I really liked this piece-I like it even more now. The placement of Shaun at the end of this worked wonderfully! I just wish I had a lush green garden to walk through now!

    Great job!
    Candi
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      My goodness, comrade! This entire write is an exercise in alliteration draped around a pastoral theme. Based upon the description of the young gentleman, I'd guess he was meant to be a cherub (though the classical nature of pastoral poetry would suggest he might make a better faun). I have to agree with at least one of the reviewers (Dreamweaver?) that the introduction of Shaun appears rushed, almost out of place in the natural flow of the verse. Perhaps if you changed the order of the second to last and last stanzas, you might achieve the desired effect. This is excellent writing, Nessie. You and Shaun take care. Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Nessie,
    Have someone make this piece a placque and present it to Shaun either now (to his parents) or later when he comes of age. This is a beautiful dedication write. You really care for this child. I love how you combine explosive colors of nature when describing Shaun. This is a keepsake for a special little boy. Have a good safe trip. smiles and hugs....wanda
    | Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by bigfineq | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked how this poem was up until you started to talk about Shaun. To me, that kind of came out of left field. The words you used throughout were great, but I'd add a bit more or word it a bit different right as you brought Shaun into the piece. I really like the idea of the awakening that is happening with nature in spring and the growth of a child, that was very well thought. All in all I really did like this, as I said I would just make it a smoother transition from nature to child. Very nice wording throughout!

    Candi
    | Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      Nessie, this is really a nice, well crafted piece. it has the look of an almost finished poem you took a lot of care in creating and presenting to us. My one bit of advice is this. Look at your lines that begin with an m stop. I would suggest either getting rid of the m stops, or making it part of the proceeding stanzas as well.. to give a visual consistancy to the poem. I don't think they add anything to the poem as they are now since the lines already take a breath as a result of ending and moving on. It's a little styistic thing to consider. I don't think loosing or adding will hurt the poem in anyway.

    Nice work. I enjoyed speaking this poem to myself.
    | Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      and Shaun is all our expectations....so normal yet, so wow :)

    this poem affects me in many ways, I love nature, and there is so much of this here, I miss living in Ireland, and I long for the days when I have my own legacy. Reminds that there is so much still to look forward to in this life.

    | Posted on 2006-04-14 00:00:00 | by Senna27NZ | [ Reply to This ]


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