Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ***Somewhere....***dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: ConScribe
    ASL Info:    19/M/Tucson,AZ
    Elite Ratio:    5.11 - 262/360/143
    Words: 219
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 964
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1451



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots***Somewhere....***dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Somewhere between the people who care
    And Hellís hot air rests nothing
    With everything all the same,
    Repeating patterns of lovehate nonentities
    Pressing against the ever present presence of the past,
    Sin that beats the brain like an uneasy echo.

    Somewhere
    Iíve seen all thatís obscene,
    Reruns of all your favorite desire
    Playing again and again, pleasure on a revolution,
    A revolving door of saved or be damned.
    What good is free choice
    If a thoughtless mind follows a leader
    Down to death by a different dilemma?

    Somewhere
    Another mind sets up camp for a long night,
    Fingers that sail through the prize of hot air
    Eternity to be taken, up for grabs,
    Anyone interested?

    Somewhere
    I slip, falling on myself
    In a comic display bound by the sound
    Of my derelict skull colliding into reality,
    Pushing in pain against the hardened carbon
    That no one cares for and only kills.

    Somewhere,
    Smoke meets eyes as the final door is opened,
    The key was caring, but no one cares
    And the devil picked his own damn lock
    Leaving Hell open to the elements,
    But like I said, ďNo One Cares,Ē
    So Hell became the only element,
    And spread forever, finally passing that open door.







    Submitted on 2006-04-12 17:50:42     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      there is no way that there should be a dash between non and entities. all words are made at some time, why not us?
    rhyming is never a mistake.
    "Somewhere
    Iíve seen all thatís obscene
    Reruns of all your favorite desire"

    this line is inspired. but i'm a sucka for keys and such
    | Posted on 2006-10-13 00:00:00 | by SadieMae | [ Reply to This ]
      I hate to nitpick but there should be a dash or a space between "non" and "entities". There is nice alliteration in "Pressing...past" that i wish would have been present throughout the entire piece.

    Did you intend for "bound by the sound" to rhyme? I'm not seeing any other rhymes so i'm not sure. I often do that myself with words, it's an easy mistake.

    I find "the key was caring" odd. Of all the things i'd consider personifying a key with care isn't one of them. I'm not sure how that line sits with me other than a little awkward.

    The lines "Playing again and again, pleasure on a revolution,
    A revolving door of saved or be damned." are my favorite.

    When you rewrite this try to work in more alliteration if you can. Also it'd probably help the piece if you showed a little bit why nobody cared. Is it because they're all sinners? Or is it because they have no faith? There's so many ideas you could play with there.
    | Posted on 2006-04-12 00:00:00 | by Fizzlethorpe | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    98861

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry