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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ...your scattered bodies go...dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 667
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1130



    Description:
       Initially, this was intended to mock the Jerry Springer phantasmagoria of confessional self abasement. Now it merely weeps for the wondrous beauty poetry used to possess. For Stormy.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots...your scattered bodies go...dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Has it all
    come to this?
    Spineless tadpoles
    masquerading as an angelic
    host, sired in mother's
    milk and p*ss?

    Was this the dream
    deferred or deference
    laid at the feet of dreams?

    And the tune
    quivered more than
    the poet could have known,
    a voice sleek as chrome
    Latino hair, gently
    bathing each syllabic
    hope in meaning
    sweeter than
    a cinematographer's
    effortless perfection
    seemed.

    It was at
    the feet of these
    glossy gossips
    fans screamed
    as lovers bowed
    before the ancient
    frozen faces beaming
    solemnly..

    If only I'd known
    what was said, I'd
    scribble sweet nothings
    in a little white book
    anointed fearfully
    as diaries of the dead.

    Talk dirty to me
    tell me about yourself
    talk dirty to me
    tell me about yourself
    'bout yourself
    'bout yourself
    'bout
    your
    self..




    Submitted on 2006-04-13 00:55:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      "Spineless tadpoles"...that part just slays me.

    Yeah my rant about the current state of poetry, was not as poetic as this....and far less artful. I chose to make career creative writing teachers/professional poets the scape goat for my rage.

    I like your approach. Indeed, as Keeler (i think) said..."Whitman is responsible for over 100 years of really bad poetry." And its true. 'confession' has become the norm. I suppose when a fool like me comes along spouting off about everything...mining the past for all its tragedies....it gets attention, because its 'attention-seeking'

    But the real trick is to make it artful. Alia makes it artful...

    That's it Bill, you're on the team, but if this revolution is going to come off....we're gonna have to get that girl out of her room....and me out of the bar.

    Meh....

    nicely done,
    kc
    | Posted on 2006-05-31 00:00:00 | by twacky | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this was cool, though I'm not sure about the last stanza. I do really like it though. I love the reference to Hughes (he's one of my many favorites). A fave.

    Peace,

    Joe
    | Posted on 2006-04-22 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      I love the subtle intertextualisaton of 'Dream Deferred'

    What happens to a dream deferred?

    Does it dry up
    like a raisin in the sun?

    but just noticed that others have the same objection as me to that censored 'piss'. I don't think this adds anything either. (Dreamweaver's comment is a terrific piece of writing in itself.) The use of gradually reduced repetition to conclude is sensational.
    hugs
    nessie

    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by comradenessie | [ Reply to This ]
      hahaha.... first of this ending.... makes me sit and stare at this screen with that disturbed yet funny glare that often strikes our faces at the most awkward of times. To me, the end makes no sense in conjunction with the rest of the piece, but taking into consideration that this piece was written for Storm of Bliss (though I know very little of her and her work), I can see how it might fit in very well.

    I enjoyed this word-play with titles and lines from other famous works, and how the longing to feel what they felt and express what they expressed overwhelms you. I also enjoyed the mocking of Jerry Springer's show/lifestyle in comparison to poetry today. Well done there. Complementary comments don't give a writer much to work on, so I apologize, but I have nothing to offer in the way of editing or changing.

    Cheers Bill
    Tom
    | Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by UnspokenDreamer | [ Reply to This ]
      hmmm...indeed, i can definitely see how this is about the stupidity of shows like jerry springer. that comes across well. however...my one main criticism is the way you have broken your lines. is there any specific reason you have made them so short? there's nothing wrong with short lines...but i just feel like it's very difficult to read because it becomes choppy. then again...the fact that it's choppy adds to the reader's frustration as she reads it. but i guess i was just kind of wondering if that was intended or just stumbled upon. on a positive note...i very much liked this part...
    "Spineless tadpoles
    masquerading as an angelic
    host, sired in mother's
    milk and p*ss?"
    and next time, dont bother censoring the word (unless it wont let you post it uncensored)...it's a good line and we wanna see the whole word! :-)
    | Posted on 2006-04-13 00:00:00 | by xvacantxskiesx | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Bill,

    I like your poem. It makes me think about people who say to other people, with a tone of deep concern, "What's wrong?" Or worse, "How can I pray for you?" But all they want is the latest gossip and when they get the dirt on you they immediately hit the phones.

    I especially liked your lines about the diaries of the dead, and the tune that quivered more than the poet could have known.

    Annie

    | Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by annie0888 | [ Reply to This ]
      ha! very satirical of you! you're taking the piss out of romantic poets it seems, am i right? at least, that's what i get from it.

    perhaps you're weary of words that seem to bear no significance, no honesty i suppose... where soul-baring honesty should be the case in poetry. sure, we can adopt personas, but there's always a little bit of our real selves that drips onto the page i think.

    maybe you're too jaded Bill. go read some classics hahaha! just kidding!

    there's some wonderful wordplay amongst the biting criticisms you speak of. nicely done.

    ~patchouli
    | Posted on 2006-04-15 00:00:00 | by jetstream_candy | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Bill,

    I've been waiting for some new posts from you. I like the texture you have created and how you insert the poet, hmmm it sounds as if you are writing about yourself here..

    And the tune
    quivered more than
    the poet could have known,
    a voice sleek as chrome
    Latino hair, gently
    bathing each syllabic
    hope in meaning
    sweeter than
    a cinematographer's
    effortless perfection
    seemed.

    And the next strophe reminds me how we as humans have little
    need for nose trouble, I say could you hand me a hankie, dear one?

    It was at
    the feet of these
    glossy gossips
    fans screamed
    as lovers bowed
    before the ancient
    frozen faces beaming
    solemnly..

    If only I'd known
    what was said, I'd
    scribble sweet nothings
    in a little white book
    anointed fearfully
    as diaries of the dead.

    I understand your reason for the last strophe, but I want the poem to end there. I think it's point is pretty much gleaned out at this point.

    Talk dirty to me
    about yourself
    there's a sucker born
    every minute.

    It takes P.T. Barnum's quote to even understand how this
    guy operates. What i could not stand was how he attempted to
    be the "understanding one" at the end of the show.

    Another fine offering Bill, what can I say?

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]


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