Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: a winter clementine.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: denial
    Elite Ratio:    5.76 - 119/82/34
    Words: 212
    Class/Type: Misc/Serious
    Total Views: 1061
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1228



    Description:
       bishop allen songs.
    not-so suicide letters.
    i'm getting lame.
    feed back still appreciated.
    edit still ahead. thank-you sadtrapofgravit


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsa winter clementine.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    When the fog settled around my ears, he thought Hawaii was overrated. With good hearted parents loving their ungrateful sons and daughters, we drank up our fill. The potheads had healthy lunches, bought cereal bars, and questioned Jesus as a Jew. just the same. they had fucked their girlfriends, and gotten fucked over. As we popped our pills off our sidewalk and acted hysterical when something slightly dramatic occurred, we felt less in a day, than we were worth. Skinny records, and soft soft music brought us the sleep we craved, but were too stubborn to embrace. Our only disbelief in ourselves, and our dreams, led on to a sinking reality that it couldn't be that much different. We were still us. We were never molested as children, or felt deep isolation within our fragile hearts. We didn't fight any wars, or discover ourselves through medication. Our music, or filler, or shamed cigarettes were all becoming too clear. Minimized, and sifted to minus words with clipart pictures, we tried to tell a story of us. A complete fabrication, but we were proud. Until you ranged me up for a favour, and I really thought we could get better. I drove you to school, but you left me before classes were over.




    Submitted on 2006-04-14 02:17:33     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      First for the OCD crap... The line breaks being where they are is kind of making for a confusing read. Also, you weren't really consistent with your verb tenses and capitalization (actually... it was quite a bit, so here you go):

    "When the fog settled around my ears, he thought Hawaii was overrated. With good hearted parents
    loving their ungrateful sons and daughters, we drank up our fill. The potheads had healthy lunches,
    bought cereal bars, and questioned Jesus as a Jew.
    Just the same. They had [censored]ed their girlfriends
    and gotten [censored]ed over. As we popped our pills off our sidewalk and acted hysterical when something slightly
    dramatic occurred, we felt less in a day <i>than</i> we were worth. Skinny records and soft soft music
    brought us the sleep we craved, but were too stubborn to embrace <i>[it]</i>. Our only disbelief in ourselves, and
    our dreams, led on to a sinking reality that it couldn't be that much different. We were still us. We
    were never molested as <i>children</i>, or felt deep isolation. We didn't fight any wars, or <i>discover</i> ourselves
    through medication. Our music, or filler, or shamed cigarettes were all becoming too clear. Minimized,
    and sifted to minus words with clipart pictures, we tried to tell a story of us. A complete fabrication,
    but we were proud. Until you ranged me up for a favor, and I really thought we could get better.
    I drove you to school, but you left me before classes were over."

    Do the capitalization either way, but be consistent. And the line breaks would work a lot better differently. The second half of line 15 ("... or felt deep isolation.") doesn't work well with the rest of the line... maybe it does, but I'm not seeing it.

    Okay... I like a lot of the lines seperately, especially
    "Our music, or filler, or shamed cigarrettes were all becoming too clear."
    (Though I might take yout the "or"s), and
    "I drove you to school, but you left me before classes were over."
    The short sentences you added in every now and then really added to the piece, also.
    It kind of has a flow to it, like it could be a song ((sort of)... you mentioned Bishop Allen :D ). One thing I would definately pay attention to is how the lines fit together. Right now that's all I really see this as--lines. It doesn't have a real set feeling/idea (to me, the blind reader). Of course, it doesn't have to, but maybe rearrange the lines you have to make it seem more intentional instead of arbitrary sentences...
    So... take what you will. Ignore the rest. Pretty cool.
    rachel
    | Posted on 2006-04-14 00:00:00 | by sadtrapofgravit | [ Reply to This ]
      it was ok...but it was a dificult read , you need to lay it out better, a lot better.
    all in all it was pretty confusing...thanks for sharing any way.




    ~alene
    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by GrIm:)ReApEr | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    99025

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry