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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: The world with walls.dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Sipthefallensky
    Elite Ratio:    4.28 - 101/116/36
    Words: 99
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 312
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 727



    Description:
       I tried I think.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe world with walls.dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Last year dawn was molded against the sky,
    people whispering behind walls slouched in sunlight.

    The world was failing in their minds,
    dandelions no longer seeping into
    pristine skyline.

    The ground was crumbling.
    And yet…
    they could not
    look back.

    So beautiful-

    tumbling in the space of sunlight

    this new ability to fall past rivers
    staring at the underside of
    jaded light, foggy
    in reminder of chaos
    that no one wanted to remember.

    and only after did they realize

    their hands were slack against the walls

    they’d sheltered the world with.




    Submitted on 2006-04-14 15:58:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Amanda, you have this wonderful way of distilling emotion into such an idiosyncratic poem that is pure you. I don't know what to say... the images congeal together like they should...

    I've picked up a theme that is apparent in most of your writes... the longing to break free and taste the oyster beyond your walls... am I right? Just something I get from you.

    If I were to offer one nitpick, it is this:
    The world was failing in their minds(,)
    - A comma is needed here, in my opinion. But apart from that, I can see nothing else that needs changing.

    I love poems that can say so much in few words. Distillation, brevity, conciseness etc.

    A fave yo. Lol.
    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-04-14 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      oh, i see you haven't lost your touch. seems like you created a real world and a facade, well i suppose that part's obvious. there's a lot to be said about where people believe they exist, the way two people can look at one thing and see something different, but applied to life, you know? the falling, the beauty of falling, the hidden reality behind it all, where the few who find it become enchanted and/or lost and never return. what i would pay... i dunno, seems like most people are content to settle for the facade, even though the effort it takes to paint themselves into the scenery could've been well used to find something real in life.

    see what you make me write? your writings have that je ne c'est quais, or however the hell you spell it. yep. glad you're still around. that means write more, in case you don't understand ghost-inese.


    peeeeeeeace.
    | Posted on 2006-05-17 00:00:00 | by ghostknight | [ Reply to This ]
      The world was failing in their minds,
    dandelions no longer seeping into
    pristine skyline.
    this has to be my favorite bit... the assonant rhyme of "minds" and "skyline" sounds so pretty!

    this is a poem to be proud of. it moves like soft liquid swords... i think? i don't know where that came from hahaha!

    this part here:
    this new ability to fall past rivers
    staring at the underside of
    jaded light, foggy
    in reminder[s] of chaos
    that no one wanted to remember.
    i think you either need to make it "reminders" or "the reminder" or something like that... do you see what i mean? it reads out... uh... grammatically better?

    otherwise, it's an exceptionally well-written piece. at least, you've got my vote!
    ~patchouli
    | Posted on 2006-04-15 00:00:00 | by jetstream_candy | [ Reply to This ]



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