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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: lies hurt lessdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Briannan
    ASL Info:    20/F/CA
    Elite Ratio:    4.59 - 123/127/49
    Words: 277
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 862
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1770



    Description:
       Full title of this is "Lies Hurt Less When You don't know they are there," but it wouldn't all fit. So yeah. Just a pouring of emotions that I have been having lately. I have been working on it for a few days. I kinda like it. But not quite. It doesn't feel done yet. But oh well. I want some opinions.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotslies hurt lessdots
    -------------------------------------------


    I am not a toy
    My emotions are real
    But no one sees this
    And I can not heal

    I break it again
    Just like the time before
    Left in the dirt
    To feel like a whore

    So I curve my lips
    In a beautiful smile
    While on the inside
    I die all the while

    So doll I will be
    To all who I care for
    They will break me down
    Until I can't feel anymore

    Are you okay
    You ask me again
    I tell you I am fine
    While I melt in sin

    My innocents is washed away
    By the lies you have told me
    Saying you wanted to be here
    You wanted to hold me

    So in your arms
    I laid to content you
    While lies became
    What I thought true

    And reproaching silence fills
    The clouded morning air
    I can feel your breath
    Gently stirring my hair

    The day dawns
    Shiny and new
    And all I can think about
    Is the lie that is you

    Emotions run wild
    Tears sting my eyes
    As I feel your hands
    Resting on my thighs

    And I close my eyes
    Take a deep breath
    Thinking nothing could
    Be worse than death

    But mistakes proved
    How wrong I was
    And then you showed me
    What this really was

    Just a toy
    To another one
    Be gentle with me
    God's loving son

    I break easily
    Becoming a fine dust
    Under your fingers
    My blood turns to rust

    And I am left exposed
    My blood on my skin
    Pays the terrible price
    For this hidden sin




    Submitted on 2006-04-14 16:38:17     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      This was sad but I think it is very good. I loved the whole thing. It was well written and easy to understand but also complex in a way.

    "I break easily
    Becoming a fine dust
    Under your fingers
    My blood turns to rust"

    I think that was my favorite part. It was very creative.

    Im adding this to my favorites
    | Posted on 2006-10-11 00:00:00 | by LoveToHateMe | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very good! I liked the imagery and the feeling like one is trapped in a mold and can not shake it. But the mold is fragile and breaks often only to reshape events that caused the break in the first place. I would only suggest you fix the flow with this poem. It was a little off. I would also suggest you mabye add one more stanza explaining this sin you speak of. I missed it completely. You were to vague about it. Other than that, this was wonderful and I really enjoyed reading it. Keep up the great work.

    Catrina
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Briannan, this is well written, even if you don't think it's done yet. Actually, it really connects with me, although I only have third hand experience with the whole emotional plaything area of betrayal, but just know that it is betrayal. Honestly, I don't suggest smling away the pain, it seems to me like another form of solitude, just, one that is brought on by being near people rather than far away from them. Just remember, there are people who you can be honest with. And remember, just because you are alone, doesn't mean that you are lonely. If you need, take a break from nearly everyone, and just reflect on what is, and what you want from life. Don't give up hope.
    Salaam, my sister.
    | Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by Rastine Aristat | [ Reply to This ]
      Hmph..I dont see where you feel this is unfinished, but its your thought and emotions, ya know? It carries a lot of impact and weight as is. It can be tweaked.

    But mistakes proved
    How wrong I was
    And then you showed me
    What this really was

    See...now that stanza has a great emotion to it. And please dont get upset, but I must say this:

    The stakes proved
    I was truly wrong
    When I submitted to you
    And your untruthful song

    Or something like that. Whaddya think? Feel free to say, "buzz off stupid b*stard"...hee-hee!

    Anyway, just my thoughts.

    But this poem is definately not unfinished.
    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by hyproglo | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is very good. But i have some suggestions to help you out : )

    I am not a toy
    My emotions are real
    But no one sees this
    And I can't heal <-- cannot would sound better....has more syllables for better flow.

    But mistakes proved
    How wrong I was
    (and)Showed me
    What this(truely) was

    That's all i can really think of. I think i know the story line of it but not too sure. I think its the feeling of being used and feeling that your "first" was a mistake. If thats what it is, i think i could relate. It hasn't happened to me personaly but you wrote it so well that it felt like it had. Not many poems made such a connection to me like that and i think its really neat that this one did It made me feel something. Be proud of this, even if it is unfinished.

    Jan : )
    | Posted on 2006-04-14 00:00:00 | by Jan | [ Reply to This ]


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