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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: My Darling and the Moteldots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Swanne
    Elite Ratio:    4.31 - 258/206/43
    Words: 146
    Class/Type: Poetry/What you did
    Total Views: 1063
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1042



    Description:
       I am thinking about adding more...
    let me know if I should


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMy Darling and the Moteldots
    -------------------------------------------


    Flickering dim lights sedate you,
    The yellowing walls buzz aimlessly.
    A shimmering cross causes alluring
    reflections in her plummeting cleavage.
    Enticing

    She swoons with the chill of some rogue breeze
    Then you realize this is not some wet dream.
    That ugly low brow voice was right.
    Again.

    You should not have come here.
    But isnít she exquisite while unscrupulous
    It isnít just the recycled smoke
    that sets your tongue on fire
    Itís the way she shifts and shivers
    Waiting.

    Cloaked by the shadows and the stains
    Youíre just a man in the background.
    Only another cockroach in beaten down motel.
    Ruthless.

    Here he comes, deceitful and grinning
    She doesnít even have the decency to smile.
    Just toys with the silver cross twisting
    Between her breasts
    As his manicured hand slip up her dress
    The bile rises into your nostrils
    Betrayal




    Submitted on 2006-04-15 16:51:02     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      After the part about not being a wet dream. Then things started to add up. However not to much detail in this field. You left a lot of room for dirty candle light dinners,with red roses that drip fresh dew. I mean ok they are checking each other out on a preplaned destination. Why not expose it a bit.

    OK I would like to know a few things like, Who is talkin here (That ugly low brow voice was right.
    Again.) That kinda threw me. Added with who said this (You should not have come here.) So far I can go as far as to say they are one and would be inner concious, at best guess.

    From dingy hotel to a warm welcome to a voice saying (you should not of come here) Now things are comming together, with recycled smoke + added with his placement at least in her mind. all down to his hand . Yes I got it Swanne Very heavy and unvieled was surprised big time almost fell off the chair. Way high marks on creativity. I take back about adding anything there is enough here for a person to understand. sry for being slow this one I am giving you a 5 it was a great surprise one I got it ok again thanks.


    Sincerely Gannondalf aka Big Bear
    | Posted on 2006-07-31 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
      Kind of sexy? But I bet it was not ment to be ? I like the way you make us think and how you can picture the whole thing in our mind. Great poem!!!
    If you get a chance come read some of my stuff and tell me what you think.
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2006-07-26 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      wow. that's um, wow. hm. it's dirty and it's dark and it's so freakin potent. i was completely taken in by this one. i dont 'really know what to say. i'm still kind of reeling from reading it. most impressive.
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by treybur | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow. Nice work. Good imagery employed there.
    I hope you imagined this up :P

    Concentrating the attention of the reader on the seductress and not the "betrayer" is really typical in a relationship. It also shows a sense of guilt on the part of the writer, which usually means a sense of regret that she didn't treat the boyfriend as well...
    (In this case, I sincerely believe it shows only guilt that you are imagining him in this kind of circumstances)

    The flow seems a tad off, but considering this is freeverse and the strong, dark imagery more than makes up for it. :) You might like to add more description of the seductress, what she's wearing and doing...

    A question, is it fashionable for men to manicure in your area? cos' its considered vain (or gay!) for guys to manicure here in Singapore (though no longer as much as before)...

    Nice work again Swanne... I always look forward to reading more of your work. :)

    Bann
    | Posted on 2006-04-15 00:00:00 | by unREMb | [ Reply to This ]
      "rogue breeze" sounds like an oddle familiar image to me. idk y, it just does. nice piece.
    "A shimmering cross causes alluring
    reflections in her plummeting cleavage."
    there's too much great imagery here to mention it all. i'm really not to good in giving in-depth analyses of poetry, mainly because i pay little attention to form and meaning (pfft, who needs it?), but this was nice. def a fave. good job.
    | Posted on 2006-04-16 00:00:00 | by Aknahlij_d 1 | [ Reply to This ]
      this is wonderful. i love how provacative it is. you painted a familiar scene beautifully (for lack of a better term).
    and as far as adding to it goes, less is usually more in my book. and even if it wasn't this poem doesn't need more anyway. great job.

    peace.
    meredith.
    | Posted on 2006-04-16 00:00:00 | by art_is_hard | [ Reply to This ]
      Yes, add more to this. I also think you may want to focus after yhe first 2 stanzas more on the couple in the room as apose to just the motel room itself. I think also you need to add more so you can explain that last stanza...how was it betryal for those two to be there? I liked what you got so far. It was not one of your best, but it was not bad either. nice work, needs more added to this and maybe revised.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      This is aluring to say the least, but I was a bit confused after reading it several times. I am not sure if there are two people here or three.

    you have the ablity to make me wonder about your poems for such a long time.

    Should you add more?

    I kept wanting to see the faces of both, but at least the girl. So perhaps you should.

    Will I read this again and again....I will.

    Donn
    | Posted on 2006-04-16 00:00:00 | by D McDaniel | [ Reply to This ]


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