Description: I am thinking about adding more...
let me know if I should
My Darling and the Motel -------------------------------------------
Flickering dim lights sedate you,
The yellowing walls buzz aimlessly.
A shimmering cross causes alluring
reflections in her plummeting cleavage.
She swoons with the chill of some rogue breeze
Then you realize this is not some wet dream.
That ugly low brow voice was right.
You should not have come here.
But isnít she exquisite while unscrupulous
It isnít just the recycled smoke
that sets your tongue on fire
Itís the way she shifts and shivers
Cloaked by the shadows and the stains
Youíre just a man in the background.
Only another cockroach in beaten down motel.
Here he comes, deceitful and grinning
She doesnít even have the decency to smile.
Just toys with the silver cross twisting
Between her breasts
As his manicured hand slip up her dress
The bile rises into your nostrils
After the part about not being a wet dream. Then things started to add up. However not to much detail in this field. You left a lot of room for dirty candle light dinners,with red roses that drip fresh dew. I mean ok they are checking each other out on a preplaned destination. Why not expose it a bit.
OK I would like to know a few things like, Who is talkin here (That ugly low brow voice was right. Again.) That kinda threw me. Added with who said this (You should not have come here.) So far I can go as far as to say they are one and would be inner concious, at best guess.
From dingy hotel to a warm welcome to a voice saying (you should not of come here) Now things are comming together, with recycled smoke + added with his placement at least in her mind. all down to his hand . Yes I got it Swanne Very heavy and unvieled was surprised big time almost fell off the chair. Way high marks on creativity. I take back about adding anything there is enough here for a person to understand. sry for being slow this one I am giving you a 5 it was a great surprise one I got it ok again thanks.
Kind of sexy? But I bet it was not ment to be ? I like the way you make us think and how you can picture the whole thing in our mind. Great poem!!! If you get a chance come read some of my stuff and tell me what you think. Kelley Frost
wow. that's um, wow. hm. it's dirty and it's dark and it's so freakin potent. i was completely taken in by this one. i dont 'really know what to say. i'm still kind of reeling from reading it. most impressive.
Wow. Nice work. Good imagery employed there. I hope you imagined this up :P
Concentrating the attention of the reader on the seductress and not the "betrayer" is really typical in a relationship. It also shows a sense of guilt on the part of the writer, which usually means a sense of regret that she didn't treat the boyfriend as well... (In this case, I sincerely believe it shows only guilt that you are imagining him in this kind of circumstances)
The flow seems a tad off, but considering this is freeverse and the strong, dark imagery more than makes up for it. :) You might like to add more description of the seductress, what she's wearing and doing...
A question, is it fashionable for men to manicure in your area? cos' its considered vain (or gay!) for guys to manicure here in Singapore (though no longer as much as before)...
Nice work again Swanne... I always look forward to reading more of your work. :)
"rogue breeze" sounds like an oddle familiar image to me. idk y, it just does. nice piece. "A shimmering cross causes alluring reflections in her plummeting cleavage." there's too much great imagery here to mention it all. i'm really not to good in giving in-depth analyses of poetry, mainly because i pay little attention to form and meaning (pfft, who needs it?), but this was nice. def a fave. good job.
this is wonderful. i love how provacative it is. you painted a familiar scene beautifully (for lack of a better term). and as far as adding to it goes, less is usually more in my book. and even if it wasn't this poem doesn't need more anyway. great job.
Yes, add more to this. I also think you may want to focus after yhe first 2 stanzas more on the couple in the room as apose to just the motel room itself. I think also you need to add more so you can explain that last stanza...how was it betryal for those two to be there? I liked what you got so far. It was not one of your best, but it was not bad either. nice work, needs more added to this and maybe revised.