At Arms Length by Swanne

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Submission Name: At Arms Length dots

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Author:	Swanne
Elite Ratio:	4.31 - 258/206/43
Words:	79

Class/Type:	Poetry/Legend
Total Views:	331
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	575

Description:
I am still figuring out how I will put punctuation in this one...
thanks for stopping by.

Swanne

At Arms Length dots

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Stunning grace
Birthed from bony hands
And boring marble
the mars of age
only add to unearthly beauty
no flesh could ever posses
One of those mysteries
Time conceals with contempt
Secrets clasped in hidden arms
That perhaps by now
have crumbled away
Did fine fingers offer
An apple to tempt fate?
Or simply reach outstretched
To embrace foolish mortals
in love?
In all these years she still
Warms the coldest heart.
Our Aphrodite of Melos.

Submitted on 2006-04-15 17:43:31 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  Hmmm, this one's pretty interesting. I like the way you describe her. I think the punctuation's pretty obvious with the way you have the lines structured. Nice job here.

Peace,

Joe
| Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
  I got a little loss in this piece. Seems like a touch of a few deep subjects.
I do Like the lines:
Secrets clapsed in hidden arms; this goes nicely with:
have crumbled away.
Did fine fingers offer,
an apple to tempt fate.
At this point things became a bit more clear. I think Ebony fingers would of been a bit more grasping. Also to go along with the marble. None the less I really do like the write. Over all I say a good write.

Sincerly Gannondalf aka Big Bear
| Posted on 2006-07-05 00:00:00 | by Gannondalf | [ Reply to This ]
  You wanted punctuation suggestions? Hmm, I took a while rearranging this, but here's something...

Yours now:
Stunning grace
Birthed from bony hands
And boring marble
the mars of age
only add to unearthly beauty
no flesh could ever posses
One of those mysteries
Time conceals with contempt
Secrets clasped in hidden arms
That perhaps by now
have crumbled away
Did fine fingers offer
An apple to tempt fate?
Or simply reach outstretched
To embrace foolish mortals
in love?
In all these years she still
Warms the coldest heart.
Our Aphrodite of Melos.

My revision:
Stunning grace
birthed from bony hands
and boring marble--
the mars of age only add
to unearthly beauty
no flesh could ever possess:

one of those mysteries
time conceals with contempt.

Secrets clasped in hidden arms
that perhaps by now
have crumbled away;
did fine fingers offer
an apple to tempt fate,
or simply reach outstretched

to embrace foolish
mortals in love?

In all these years
she still warms
the coldest heart:
our Aphrodite of Melos.

Do you like it? I've relineated it into 6/2 6/2 /4 stanzas but you could squash the first two together to make it 8/8/4-- basically, it's how you'd want it to look visually on the page, with regards to the pauses and stresses you want. I merely tweaked it to how I would, so take from this what works and ditch what doesn't. Here it is with the 8/8/4 format:

Stunning grace
birthed from bony hands
and boring marble--
the mars of age only add
to unearthly beauty
no flesh could ever possess:
one of those mysteries
time conceals with contempt.

Secrets clasped in hidden arms
that perhaps by now
have crumbled away;
did fine fingers offer
an apple to tempt fate,
or simply reach outstretched
to embrace foolish
mortals in love?

In all these years
she still warms
the coldest heart:
our Aphrodite of Melos.

I'm not familiar with Melos-- is that a Greek Island? I think this is a wonderful poem by the way, and I've always found Aphrodite/Venus to be in accordance with my tastes.

Hope this helps.
Peace,

Jase
| Posted on 2006-06-07 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
  Hmmm. I am wondering why I'm the first person to comment on this poem? You got off to a good start in line one, then faltered to me to keep this going, it would be towards the end it makes sense to me again. I think for a beirf poem, you have to much imagery within the middle of this one. Maybe speak more about the lengend and who she was. Or add more to this. Overall, this was good, just needs a boost.

Maggie
| Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]

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