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I Remain


Author: Toxic_Rayne
ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314 /1095 /162
Words: 92
Class/Type: Poetry /Depressed
Total Views: 1318
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 608



Description:


I kind of like this one, tell me honestly what you think...


I Remain



I remain forgotten
I remain alone
With nothing to stop
This cutting to the bone

I remain unwanted
I remain unloved
Saved only by those
Who hide masked and gloved

I remain hated
I remain a locked door
Thrown to the cold;
Blood spattered floor

I remain the mat you walk on
I remain the bullet in your gun
Killing my own beliefs
One by one

I remain the one you hate
I remain the wood you burn
Whatever I remain
I'm hated for in turn




Submitted on 2006-04-16 13:13:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  The last two stanzas are good but the first weren't good at all. Sorry didn't like this one as much as most of your work. It's forced and well...the flow is off. It's just not a good one.

Sorry Sarah, at least I'm not being asinine as usual

Hope to Read Something else cuz I'm getting kicked off the comp at school.

Paco the Poet of Arson
| Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by Flamequill | [ Reply to This ]
  "I remain the one you hate
I remain the wood you burn
Whatever I remain
I'm hated for in turn", I love those lines. I guess it's the wording, not exactly sure. Anyway that's what caught my eye. Great wording, and it gives off great imagery and captivates your mind. Keep up the good work toxic, I'm sure you are as beautiful as your work.

Mr. Chuckles
| Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by Draigon | [ Reply to This ]
  This is really good. It flow is good and the rhyming. It sounds like you had no problem coming up with the rhymes, something I have a problem with. The beginning was good because it made me want to dive in and keep on reading, but my fav lines have to be

"I remain hated
I remain a locked door
Thrown to the cold;
Blood spattered floor"

This is very vivid and really shows how the people ignore you and is a really dark and descriptive way of saying nobody likes me.
this also felt kinda like a song for some reason, reminded me a lot of the slipknot song "I am Hated". Altogether this was a really descriptive poem, especially those lines i mentioned.
| Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by Faith_Disease | [ Reply to This ]
  the whole thing up to the last stanza was a bit to simply put, and outright "my life sucks", but not in that heartwrenching harsh emotional sorta way...but the last stanza:

I remain the one you hate
I remain the wood you burn
Whatever I remain
I'm hated for in turn


it makes me think of the witch trials...i remain the wood you burn, not really ABOUT the witch trials, cuz there was no burning done, but more the person is relating themselves to the accused witches...they were accused simply cuz they were ahted by somebody, and so they were killed, and no matter what, they had something that made them a witch,e ven if it was not a reason at all, such as they bake bread on the 6th hour of the sixth day of the week, every sixth week, making it the devil's number, therefore making them a witch...and so that is "whatever (they) remain (they) are hated for in turn"...i don't know if you meant to have that allusion, but i thought it was cool and made the piece which would otherwise be cliché, original

~chaos~
| Posted on 2006-07-23 00:00:00 | by whispered_chaos | [ Reply to This ]
  hey im back... did u miss me? lol anyways bout the poem.

theres something mystrious hidden inside but i can't quite put my fingure on it.... but tat jus makes m love it mre /c it keeps me coming ack to it to try a find the hidden message. i havnt been on in a long time an haven't commented on any poems so sry if tis is lacking in info but i'll read more of ur work when i have time and hopefully get ack into my trance that i love to be in when i read ur work.

but i'll leave u with one of my new fa. quotes.

"we all hold inside us a demon waiting to be born, however.... ur demons sall feed my own, and in return i shall be reborn anew..."
| Posted on 2006-07-15 00:00:00 | by disturbedx1000 | [ Reply to This ]
  This piece is something that most people experience at least once in life. These lines:

"I remain the mat you walk on
I remain the bullet in your gun
Killing my own beliefs
One by one"

They are true. We kill what we believe in to become more like the person we are with wants us to be. But some fight though, and find that one that will treat them right. Others are stuck in this situation with every relationship they are in. But they turn out strong. Keep writing.

Kitty
| Posted on 2006-07-21 00:00:00 | by Crescent | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow that was quite exceptional.... I like the imagery and the flow and the passion...it comsumes me and makes me wish to read more.
Hell other than that one typo it was perfect ....amazing flow and I agree that the ending was absolutely great...good write, keep it up.
| Posted on 2006-06-27 00:00:00 | by Restless_Heart | [ Reply to This ]
  I like this pice. It's so emotional. My favorate stanza is : "I remain forgotten/ I remain alone/
With nothing to stop/ This cutting to the bone" It's a great pice. Keep writing.


Sarah
| Posted on 2006-06-30 00:00:00 | by S.A.M. | [ Reply to This ]
  Wow..this was really really good..your wording was great...the flow was a bit off at some minor points..but then again i could just be reading it at a weird pace..lol

"Whatever I remain
I'm hated for in turn"

I liked those lines the best..very powerful ending!!..loved it..Its sucks to feel hated..but not everyone can love you..this poem i can relate to in a lot of ways..the moment i read the title I was drawn to it..it reminded me of a Slipknot song..everything reminds me of them.hehe...anywho nothing you should change!!!..Its perfect the way it is!..keep Up the great work!!!!!!!

Lucy ^_^
| Posted on 2006-04-16 00:00:00 | by rainbowXrazors | [ Reply to This ]
  Yeah i like this too.........
the masked and gloved sounds like they would be people working in a profession and the only ones you feel will pay you attention and mend up physically.....but you still feel left alone with your surroundings and you are crying out for attention from those u love.....
hahahaha, i sound like a shrink dont worry im not.....just can relate to this a lot.....
i used to be there myself at one time....
I enjoy your work
Take care
God bless
| Posted on 2006-04-16 00:00:00 | by lostspirit | [ Reply to This ]
  This one has potential. The repititon works for the idea, but some times it seems a little stilted in places. I really like the image of you being a bullet in someone else's gun, it's a vivid, original depiction. The thing about locked doors is though, someone will eventually show up with a key. Either that or the knowledge of how to pick a lock.
| Posted on 2006-04-16 00:00:00 | by LadyChaos | [ Reply to This ]
  This is a good and strong poem. You can follow it easily if you've been down the same path, or something close to it. Personally, I like this poem, and I hope you write even more just like it, or better. Well, not ones that are depressed or anything, or like...umm...well you get my point. Please continue the good work, my friend.
| Posted on 2006-04-16 00:00:00 | by Noreu Hotishima | [ Reply to This ]
  um me being your best friend i all i can understand it......... and it..........um.......ROCKS! duh you dum dum you don't need a comment to know that.
| Posted on 2006-04-16 00:00:00 | by supergirl_in_oh | [ Reply to This ]
  This was amazingly good, i love how you broke down yourself in each stanza into your remnants. Really nice.

Loved it,
Jay.
| Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by Flowerinbloom | [ Reply to This ]
  Oh wow. I loved the emotions in this. I know what it is like and wow. It really brought back memories. Very nice. Keep it up!!

~MascaraTears69~
| Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by MascaraTears69 | [ Reply to This ]
  this is an amazingly emotional write I liked it I hope that you dont feel this bad all the time but it was a good write and gave an interesting perspective on what you think about life and youself
| Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by Animus Custodis | [ Reply to This ]
  iight here we are at that place we're we've all grown..at least most of my regulars who i comment. YOu've all grown in some way. lol. This was the most darkest morbid (not really.) but it was dark and morbid thing i've read today. I liked it the flow was good and my fav stanza was:

I remain the mat you walk on
I remain the bullet in your gun
Killing my own beliefs
One by one

anyways get 'em gurl and keep writing.

Danni aka DePoetry.
| Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by Poeticprincess | [ Reply to This ]
  brovo bravo i love this poem is possibly oneof your best this is geetting a faves add
| Posted on 2006-06-15 00:00:00 | by supergirl_in_oh | [ Reply to This ]


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