Beautiful Sun by DarkenedSoul

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Submission Name: Beautiful Sun dots

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Author:	DarkenedSoul
ASL Info:	30/m/astral dreams
Elite Ratio:	4.29 - 77/60/17
Words:	83

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	125
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	573

Description:

Beautiful Sun dots

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The sun kisses the moon,
a chance encounter, an eclipse.
A flower buds in early spring,
embracing the sunlight,
basking in it's warmth.
Day gives way to night as the sun sets
and the moon rises.
A glowing orb gazes down upon the world,
always amazed at what the sun's gift does,
nourishing and giving life.
How wonderful the sun is!
Always giving of it's self,
asking nothing in return.
How beautiful is that!?
"I wish I were a sun" thought the moon.

Submitted on 2006-04-16 20:52:59 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
well, it's definitely much nicer to read a poem that isn't so death-obsessed. variety is the spice of life to me though... always has been.

you have a few typos - "its" shouldn't have an apostrophe since you're not meaning "it is"... and it should be "itself" as one word. that's all i noticed. i do think the line "always amazed at what the sun's gift does," could be chopped out... it's extraneous and already implied, don't you think? taking it out would help the flow i think. but that's just my opinion.

one other thing... i think you could quite easily break this up into stanzas... personal preference yet again... but after the end of each sentence maybe? i often throw sentences together by putting in semi-colons... what you referred to as improper structuring in one of my pieces is actually part of the nature of enjambment - forcing the reader on at the pace i dictate. that's what it's meant to do anyway.

i'm going to go out on a limb here and offer you a complete relineation to your entire poem, using the typo corrections and the line i suggested deleting as reference. also, i suggested adding "swift" before "eclipse" to fatten that line up and give it more detail... and i trimmed a few extraneous connecting words (i find that connecting words can be trimmed right down to the barest necessity - but again, personal preference)... here, tell me what you think of this (it's of no worry to me if you don't take it; i'm only giving you suggestions, so hey, don't shoot me. lol):

The sun kisses the moon
-- a chance encounter,
a swift eclipse;
a flower buds in early spring,
embracing light,
basking in warmth.

Day gives way to night,
as the sun sets
and the moon rises;
a glowing orb
gazes down upon the world,
nourishing and giving life.

How wonderful the sun is
-- always giving of itself,
asking nothing in return;
how beautiful is that?
"I wish I were a sun"
thought the moon.

what do you think? like it? probably not, huh? oh well... i've tried. lol. and that's the best i can do... you were probably wanting just thoughts, right?

well, my thoughts are... that i found it to be surprising (after reading all your dark poems), so that was nice... i'm Pagan/Wiccan so references to the moon and sun always makes me prick up my ears... and all the little details you provide mixed in with your theme serves as a great poem. your last lines were a great summation and a nice thought to leave the reader with. that's all i can say. whew, that was a lot, wasn't it? lol.

this is probably the first proper 'critique' i've done on this site. hope this helps... because this took me ages to write!
~patchouli
| Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by jetstream_candy | [ Reply to This ]

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