Overall I wrote this because I just had it pop into my head, and I went with it. It was a slight attempt at mocking love poems while putting a hint of one in there.
Any comment is welcome, unless it's brief, or not telling me anything terribly useful.
How can it be improved (either one, though I'd prefer just dealing with the current one, and I know they both can use improvement), did you enjoy it, what was a good part, what part sucked, do you think there is a better way to style it, better ideas for wording, how does it make you feel (overall, I don't see it stirring any major emotion, it's mostly for humor, to me).
I've been as redundant as I feel.
Thank you.
On Love Poems -------------------------------------------
The love poem is the ultimate of erotic fan fiction
New words are invented, and every now and then, there's good diction
There's a lovely loving of long lost love
Where objects of affection are comparable to angels above.
With beautious bounty of beautiful boon
These pseudo-romantics do make the fanciful swoon
Begging for love from those who won't
too often the author has heard the word "don't."
I could write you a love poem full of my own tears
but only after I've downed a few more beers.
For these poems are made in lands of distortment
with many a word, such wondrous assortment.
Yet I write not of love in this poem, I confess
all I ask here is that you take off your dress
So that when the author lays his head down he might
feel what was written, was written quite right
And thus it is scribed in the annals of history
that the greatest of loves live out in brevity
So tarry not, lovers, as you go to your secluded place
and unwilling partners please carry your mace
For the love poem willingly waits to be willingly written
by those who love the ultimate of erotic fan fiction.
You have a knack for alliteration don't you, clever writer. The original one was clever, the current one, i like more.
There's a lovely loving of long lost love
With beautious bounty of beautiful boon
"Yet I write not of love in this poem, I confess
all I ask here is that you take off your dress"
This I found to be very funny...your attempt to make this a sort of love poem, while you mock loves poems shows here. You relly expose love poems for what they are, teens that need to get a prescription for changing hormones...let us find a prozac for adolescence and then we will all be better off. This was great, very clever. Look at you writer, with that humble smile.
This is fabulous in more ways than I can count. It's so amazingly and hilariously true. Particualarly like the comparison to "erotic fan fiction." My Favorite Lines: "With beautious bounty of beautiful boon" great alliteration that further elevates the eloquence of your cynicism
"I could write you a love poem full of my own tears but only after I've downed a few more beers." Once again, a fabulous display of cynicism that I can more than appreciate. And most men, I've noticed are indeed their most lovelorn when they are drunk.
O Jim. Honesty is good. Judging something that you have not experienced is, ignorant. And please, take no ofense. Because I think you are a lovely writer and this was wonderful as far as words go. And guess what...words go forever. But I still think you should consider love and love poems a little further when you have loved more. There are so many different perspectives to take and it would be smart to know where you truly stand. Hast yo.
Peace love and fish markets...and by the way, do you smell that??
Yet I write not of love in this poem, I confess all I ask here is that you take off your dress
If only everyone was this honest... I must say...this was interesting... The flow and rhyming worked quite beautifully...up till the last few lines...then the previously perfect rhymes seemed to get a bit forced. I think this is a great idea...and a very well done execution of said idea...but, like you said...it can be improved...but I don't want to jump and try to tell you how...cause I myself am not really sure...But, good job nonetheless...
I stumbled on one part; diction---what is diction anyway-honestly I am not sure but I really did like the poem for poetic reasons---if ya know what I mean. You had good flow-and the rhyme almost bordered on cliché' but when I thought that it was cliché' ya hit me with a real good rhyme that picked it up and made it up to me--Overall it was a damn good write and I can tell ya spent a little bit of time with this one, plus I dig the idea-I too have written many a poem about the subject. I though was not so delicate and clever with my wording on what a farse Love in itself trully is-anyway good job man lamemansterms
I love this poem although you claim to make fun of love you really looked into love in depth. I cant really say anything bad about it other than the writer(you) seems to write in a very I've heard it all before separated attitude. This in a way gives the reader an uninterested feeling when reading because you emotion gets lost in the lines.
Definitely liked the current one better. I think it's funny how you're poking fun at love poems, but everything you said, for the most part, is true! The irony of it all. I think, like Raivn said, it is very honest, but in an unapologetic way. I like the repitition of the first line at the end, it really drove the poem home (good Lord, this is starting to sound generic).
I'll admit, I have written love poems that sound like everything you mocked here and, really thinking about it, it's quite hilarious. I don't think any love poem is ever genuinely original. They all have the same elements, all speak of essentially the same things. Wow. I don't think I would have realized that before reading this. Good job. ...bb...
First I need to stop laughing, HAHAHAHAHHAHA. *coughs a bit* ok I'm good now. I my self write alot of love poems like what you describe and find it interesting to read it from anothers point of view. Your right alot of the times when people write love poems they are simply wineing and complaining about love not returned and alot of the time people make up funny words to add to the poem that never truly existed just so that they could rhyme. Any how I truly loved this peice. good work! Love and Light Archer
Submission Name: On Love Poems
