Description: hope this would give some encouragement... err, enjoy Ü
Be Awakened -------------------------------------------
Watch the stars as they twinkle the nights
And as the moon and sun lighten the sky
For who knows, it may be your last glimpse
And wake up the next day seeing it faded
Explore the deepest range of the ocean
And see all the treasures buried upon it
For you don't know how long it will stay
Or turn out to becoming a hateful desert
Don't be afraid to go for what you aim
Don't be feared by whatever has to be faced
Don't be scared by nightmares that you had
And be stopped by just losing a fight
For God gave wings for birds to fly
And they were all pleased to fly the sky
While to you He gave more than what they had
But you've been fool enough to watch them wasted.
this poem... and that avatar picture of yours makes me feel like I'm immortal.... just like in the animes... everything set right with no troubles and nothing big that cant be resolved without some feeling and if you put your heart into it just long enough, nothing is impossible... you make me feel like going on a pirate ship and just go sailing just for the simple pleasure of adventure.... nice one
enh. I loved the beginning, although meter work would make it even better, I have to be frank and say the ending sucked. The last stanza could be amazing but it just didn't work. Let's take a look at it: For God gave wings for birds to fly And they were all pleased to fly the sky While to you He gave more than what they had But you've been fool enough to watch them wasted.
First problem: to fly the sky. You already used fly the line before, so it sounds repetitive, like you couldn't think of a better word to use there. Second: the last two lines don't rhyme Third: third line... very cumbersome. It took me several read-throughs to understand what you were trying to say. I think you should try and find a better way to say this, perhaps so that it rhymes with line 4. Less words, more meaning.
I did like the fourth line, however, I think you could think of something more powerful! It's a good line, but the rest of the poem is too good to end with an okay last line.
Uhhh.... sorry for completely ripping your poem apart =^..^= I did like it! As I said to... someone else, can't remember... if I rip apart your poem, it means that I like it and I want you to make it better! I want this to be an amazing poem. Hopefully if you revisit it, you'll think about some of the things I said. rating: meh ~Cora, the Critic
Other than the typo in the last line of the third stanza (should be losing instead of loosing), this is good. A good message, and you've made a good use of contrasts and warnings of what happens to time wasted.
Submission Name: Be Awakened
