[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav

  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav

    << | >>

    dots Submission Name: Never Unnoticeddots

    Author: Herrick
    ASL Info:    20/M/AL
    Elite Ratio:    3.5 - 20/29/11
    Words: 160
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 846
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1058

       Don't ask, I was tired when I wrote this.

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNever Unnoticeddots

    There she sat, at the end of the docks,
    Her feet dangling off the edge,
    Staring down, into the water.

    Tears rolling down her cheek,
    From bloodshot eyes,
    Falling down, into the water.

    The ring she holds in her palm,
    A reminder of her broken heart,
    Rolls down, into the water.

    Covers Her face with a bloody had,
    Her cries turn to sobbing,
    She dives, into the water.

    Blinded by the murky water,
    She’s struggling for the breath,
    Thrown down, into the water.

    Feeling pressure around her waist,
    Her violent thrashing ends, as
    She rises, out of the water.

    Lifting her back up to the docks,
    The stranger struggles,
    Pulling her, out of the water.

    Staring at her with great amazement,
    as if he had just retrieved
    An angel, out of the water.

    A tear rolls down her cheek,
    As she begins to smile.
    It falls, into the water.

    Submitted on 2006-04-17 12:59:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      The first time I read this I put myself in place of the girl and you in place of the boy. But I went back and read it today and read it with you as the girl and me as the boy, because you said in your book that's how it was supposed to go, and it was still wonderful. This poem is beautiful. And, really, it could work either way. Because you did save me. You really did.
    But I suppose I'll talk about the poem..
    I loved it. In your poems, you use a lot of lines over and over, and it works wonderfully. A lot of people don't do so well with that and it eventually just becomes annoying, but not in your poems. It works well.
    This poem had a lot of really good imagery. I could see this happening at the park on our docks. But in my head, I am always the girl. Maybe because I feel more like you saved me. This poem could work either way, because it's cool like that.
    I love this poem. It is wonderful. Beautiful. (Just like the author.)
    I love you..
    | Posted on 2006-06-06 00:00:00 | by jessie thomas | [ Reply to This ]
      I agree with Jaz....

    Staring at her with great amazement,
    as if he had just retrieved
    An angel, out of the water.

    That is my favorite part.

    I think it's absolutely beauitful that you love her so much and her in return. It's amazing.

    I like the way you use "water" in the last lines of each part of the poem. Most people don't do that and I'm actually glad to see something a little different from the norm.

    Great write Chris. (:
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by bleeding-soul | [ Reply to This ]
      Staring at her with great amazement,
    as if he had just retrieved
    An angel, out of the water.

    This is my favorite part. And I assume that this is about Jessie. And the fact that she finally has someone who see's that she is so beautiful makes all the weirdness between you and I worth it.I think in time this will be absolutely the BEST thing that ever happened. Maybe this is how it was suppose to happen to begin with. Truly, I am so happy for both of you. And I love that you are so devoted to her because she truly deserves it.

    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by lori_tab | [ Reply to This ]
      it's really interesting, i could see it happening for some odd reason.. you musn't have been that tired when you typed it or it would have sucked...
    holla at ya later
    | Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by angeldust | [ Reply to This ]
      Oh, Chris...this is pretty. I find it quite amazing that every time someone gets really sad, they think about throwing themselves off the end of the dock into the water. I've thought about it...I've cried into that water...I've come thisclose to tossing myself over the edge of the dock while to water raged beneath me...it's just got this crazy gravitational pull...

    I like how it goes from this:

    There she sat, at the end of the docks,
    Her feet dangling off the edge,
    Staring down, into the water.

    To this:

    A tear rolls down her cheek,
    As she begins to smile.
    It falls, into the water

    Good job...very powerful imagery.
    | Posted on 2006-04-17 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a really well written piece. I live the transition from into the water to out of the water. its the sadness then the hatred and battle then it is the closure. very nice.

    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by chilz | [ Reply to This ]

    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?


    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Bee Keeper written by endlessgame23
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Devils in the Details written by endlessgame23
    Estranged / Shocks written by Daniel Barlow
    Your Lover written by Cordell
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Wavelength written by saartha
    It's Night Now written by RisingSon
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    written by Daniel Barlow
    AI written by poetotoe
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Bond written by saartha
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Still Fighting See? written by ForgottenGraves
    I will call out your name written by RisingSon
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    Once Again written by krs3332003
    written by Daniel Barlow
    What happens written by Wolfwatching
    Fasade written by jackz
    102.3 written by rev.jpfadeproof
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    PEARL (Exclusive Poem) 10th Anniversary... written by Cordell
    Before, Now, & After written by SincerWritinAsh
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (7) written by endlessgame23
    Pain, an elixir. written by Ramneet
    Dashboard Light written by layDsayD




    User Name:


    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]

    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]

    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]