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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: ***The MOON***dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: GrIm:)ReApEr
    Elite Ratio:    2.89 - 27/24/14
    Words: 145
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 145
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 717



    Description:
       this is the first popem ive done... im not sure if its that great... just tell me wat u think...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots***The MOON***dots
    -------------------------------------------


    once upon a time, on a dark and dreary night
    lived a small little girl, who was frantic with fright
    she ran through the corridoors, passing each shadow
    frightened of monsters that lived in the hollows
    each burst of sound, each sliver of light scared her to death...but thats her life...
    it all started when her teddy bear tourched her room
    she lives in the dark looking for the moon.
    one night there it was up in the sky she jumped to touch it but it was to high
    she said to her self i will reach it i will
    so off she went to get to the hill
    on the hill she jumed once more
    she reached the sky and then she sored




    Submitted on 2006-04-17 21:42:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think this is a good start, but first of all I always teel people I like to have proper punctuation. You always raise a poem to a higher level when you write with commas, full stops an capitals. I don't like it when it seems like a person just does not care about his or her poem. And: Some parts seem to be forced because it 'had to'rhyme, but really, let your heart speak. I know that's a cliché but its just simply true. err. you should change coridoors into corridors btw.
    With these two lines, i'd devide them in two, like this
    each burst of sound, each sliver of light,
    scared her to death...but thats her life...
    and same with this:
    one night there it was up in the sky,
    she jumped to touch it but it was to high

    All in all, the wording was ok, and it was nice bfor a first poem. Just write alot and you'll improve

    Darth Zeus
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by Darth Zeus | [ Reply to This ]
      That's cute.
    I like how it starts off all dark and scary, but happy at the end.
    Normally, I hate happy endings, but I really liked this one.

    Keep up the good work

    -nikkki
    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      that's very nice.i love the imagery as well as the story that goes with the poem.very creative.sooo cute.that was a great start.keep up.^_^

    thanks for the compliment by the way.
    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by raineces | [ Reply to This ]
      wow, that's deep. I like your way of thinking, your very imaginative and innovative. This was a great piece. You deffinately got some skill. However this needs a different format, or possibly synonyms to posses the meaning in less words. I already have ideas, but it's your poece not mine. Also "paperdoll" by Kittie, deffinately brings out the best in this read(i'm liestening to it right now.) Between this write and the other, I think you have the beginnings to a story. If interested you can check mine out (I have 1 finished, 1 in the worx) to get a better idea for for what to do, or not to do. look forward to reading more shyt, nice, take care.
    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
      I liked this piece. I think that you could of added what had happened after she got there. Like what did it look like, was there anybody else there with her?!?!? I think you should re-write this one, and maybe end it different. It seems to me that you do have some talent, so don't say that your a bad writer. It just sounds like you need some inspiration. Try doing something you've never done that will give you an adreniline rush. I hope you try that !!

    ~Alyssa~
    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by alcoholcaust | [ Reply to This ]
      wow... that was good... and cute... however, it seems like ive heard it before, it was pretty good, but somehow it seemed familiar... well done... and welcome to elite skills, your already off to a great start...
    well done... and keep writing

    if you get a chance, take a look at some of my work... thanx for sharing...
    ~hannah
    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by seriouscutter19 | [ Reply to This ]


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