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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Silk & Marbledots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: D McDaniel
    ASL Info:    60/M/CT
    Elite Ratio:    5.57 - 266/222/62
    Words: 276
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 301
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1754



    Description:
       Queen Nefertiti was the wife of King Akhenaton around 1300 BC. She was the model for the beautiful Bust that sits in the museum in Berlin that you are certainly familiar with.

    Nefertiti is considered by many to be the most beautiful woman who ever lived.

    Some think that she became blind by staring at the sun, the lone god of her husband...Perhaps it was the other way around, his god was staring at her.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSilk & Marbledots
    -------------------------------------------


    It is said that a million sunrises ago
    the world’s most beautiful woman
    stood at the white marble railing
    of her vacation villa across the water.

    Even though the air was parched,
    the stone had a comforting coolness
    and she relished the pleasant feeling,
    pressing her palms to cool her blood.

    An attendant powdered her naked body
    with the finest talc from the orient
    adding a dusty-grey tint to the bronze
    of her still slender hips and firm breasts.

    For a moment, a touch of pride welled
    as she viewed her young attendant’s body
    and then looked down at her own firm belly,
    thinking of the six who had lived there.

    Behind her, the finest pure white silk
    was wafting lightly in the precious breeze.
    As if it were the breath of a sleeping god
    who was dreaming about her beauty.

    Here, across from her palace, the sun rose
    from the opposite side of the Nile…
    itself just another god who each year would
    bless the soil of her subjects farms.

    Watching her husband's sun god rising
    as it reflected its orange fire on the water,
    she wondered if the sun even cared about
    the temples and obelisks that men built.

    Or was her own body not the only temple
    that men and their gods would ever need.
    Were not her breasts all that her daughters
    or her husband needed to nurture them.

    Her flaming love stared into her eyes,
    and she looked lovingly back into his.
    She was all that men or gods needed.
    At her villa, both could make love to her.





    Submitted on 2006-04-18 00:29:01     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is very beautiful, Donn. so sorry it's taken me so long to get here! it was well worth the wait.. it's a gorgeous picture you have painted of her, standing at the railing of her villa. i love the images of the powdering of her body, the curtain wafting in the breeze.. i felt that i was there with her, feeling the sun on me.

    i wouldn't change a thing. and thanks for the Egyptian history lesson!

    peace,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2006-05-02 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Beautiful, I would have to agree that woman is all you need. I love the switch up.

    Watching her husband's sun god rising
    as it reflected its orange fire on the water,
    she wondered if the sun even cared about
    the temples and obelisks that men built.

    Or was her own body not the only temple
    that men and their gods would ever need.
    Were not her breasts all that her daughters
    or her husband needed to nurture them.

    She know that she is a goddes, she knows she brings life. Beautiful.

    Dustin
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by dustinamoody | [ Reply to This ]
      Not being familiar with your lady subject or her history.. after having read this beautiful piece of writing, I feel that I am.
    Wow, still firm after six births. Envious am I (lol).
    I like your descriptions throughout; the curtain wafting in the breeze as if a god, sneeking in to view her beauty; the orange fire of the sun on the water. In the last stanza, I take it her flame of love is the sun(god) mentioned in the 7th?
    At any rate. I enjoyed this piece.
    Good writing. Can't think of anything I would change.
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, all I can say is where have you been hiding?

    Such a pleasing style of narration, wonderful to read to oneself or aloud, and one of my favorite subjects, too.

    You won't get any criticism much for this piece, unless it's very acute nit-picking. Funny, it always amazes me how some people never seem to bump into each other on es, even over months and months, I find that incredible.

    From me, a large Well Done!

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-04-22 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was very well written. Writting about history can be a challenge, yet always a exciting one when you enjoy the subject.
    I liked the history you brought to live about the most beautiful woman in the world...
    you got into her thoughts and her world so long ago and brought it back to us.
    Little pieces of history like that have always been the most interesting. They are what makes the past so interesting, the wars of the roses along with many different mythology have always drawn me in,
    which you have also done. It has inspired to read more about it. Thank you
    take care
    ~jennifer
    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by joy7542 | [ Reply to This ]
      This was by far one of my favorites...because I love ancient Egypt. Such a colorful history.
    I bet you could go on forever in that wonderful tone of yours and write a whole book about it. I strongly disagree with David Hirt (I think this is the second time I have done that today) Your idea does not cheapen the original. It is creative and provoking. Stanza #6 is the only stanza I think needs a bit of work... It seems like it doesn't really need to be there since stanza #7 since it pretty much says the same thing but more creative.
    all in all I loved this Donn,
    Swanne
    (ps. liked the title, too)
    | Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]
      A beautifully written tapestry of words that congeal to form an eloquent view into the past... but for some reason, this put me in mind of Ancient Greece or Rome-- I guess it's the title and the first stanza that made me think this way. I mean, if you replaced "Nile" with, let's say, the Mediterranean Sea or the Rubicon, it would be easily adapted to those countries.

    I guess what I'm saying is that I couldn't really tell this was about Nefertiti at all... it could've been about any famous beautiful woman. But therein lies the pull I guess. It's only a tiny nitpick... but if you chose to, you could incorporate more 'Egyptian-ness' into this by adding more references to that country, y'know?

    All in all, I think it's a great poem. The narrative, meter and imagery moves rather smoothly.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-07-05 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      I didn't realize she was Akhenaten's wife. I've read some poems by him in praise of Aten. They're kind of cool. I think the strength of this piece is the juxtapostion of the One God watching her instead of she him... and that, with the legend, she is blinded not by God but by her own contemplation of her own beauty... which sort of cheapens the idea of being blinded in adoration of a single god.
    The sound of this poem is very subtle. A very subtle lyrical feel to it.
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      This was just lovely!! The imagery was very well presented and I found myself standing next to her at the railing taking in the breath taking scene.

    It stood on its' own as I did not know the specific historical characters. I liked her musing as to whether all the monuments meant anything to the Gods they were built to honor and worship.

    Great write and I am honored that "Sunset over the palisades" was you inspiration!

    Beautifully done!!:)

    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]



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