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    dots Submission Name: empatheticdots

    Author: andnow
    ASL Info:    19.f.wa
    Elite Ratio:    3.57 - 136/135/42
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Random Thoughts/Misc
    Total Views: 997
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 823


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    we all have pain.
    i can hear it when you speak, when you smile, when you laugh.
    i can feel it in the movements of your eyes, your hands, your breath.
    i can see it. even when its not apparent.
    i can sense the pain on your soul, as it is not unfamiliar.
    we all share it.
    though i may not know exactally how you feel. know the experiences you've been through. know what you're going through as to say.
    don't think i haven't recognized your pain.
    i know it is there.
    it is there in everyone.
    different in everyone, yes.
    but nonetheless, it is there.
    and it is apparent to me.
    i feel it on your conscious.
    i may not understand completely.
    but i know it is there.
    and i accept it.

    Submitted on 2006-04-18 02:45:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      One great way to try to improve your poetic writing is to attempt to write it in the third person. Using first/second person should be used to make the third person more powerful.

    Instead of saying that you can see it, feel it, etc - which implies that it is simply your perception that it is in someone else, which may not actually be the case - you could say something along the lines of "it is there in...", which eliminates the awkward, unnecessary non-parallelism of the senses, and the overuse of the word "when". E.g., "we all have pain.
    it is there in your voice, your smile, your laugh."

    Describe the actions. Are the smiles real, forced, wistful?

    To give it a more poetic feel, use line breaks instead of paragraphs. Remember that even through line-breaks, they are sentences: don't use periods at an end of a line if it's not the end of the thought, because otherwise it makes the piece seem disjointed.

    I realize most of this is simply form critique, but I can't really comment on the style of writing when it seems to me to be more a personal missive to someone.
    | Posted on 2006-05-13 00:00:00 | by secretpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      i likewise appreciate the idea, but feel it could be written about more effectively.

    i'm not sure how exactly, and as such my comment doesn't provide you with much help, but maybe you can devise a way to better express it yourself.

    that's really all i've got.

    i'm lame today.

    sorry Kevor.

    keep writing, i'll keep commenting.

    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by Sheakhan | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting topic to write about. It flows fine and you don't really have that many common words, but it seems a little slow or numb. I don't get a sense of acceptance. The topic is something cool i just think you might want to elaborate a little more. Peace.
    | Posted on 2006-04-18 00:00:00 | by james110182 | [ Reply to This ]

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