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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Cut Up Angelsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LoveToHateMe
    ASL Info:    20/girl/Philly
    Elite Ratio:    4.61 - 175/148/42
    Words: 147
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 985
    Average Vote:    3.0000
    Bytes: 926



    Description:
       I took the title from The Used.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCut Up Angelsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Blackened visions hushed
    as if they werenít there at all.
    Demonic laughs tremble off my lips
    after everything I saw.
    Free me from this evil
    that causes fire to burn inside.
    Please donít blame me for this mess
    the smoke has covered up my eyes.
    The confessional is closing in on me
    still, no one took away my sins
    so I run outside towards the light
    and the sky shifts and darkens.
    Liquid falling from the sky,
    now I'm sinking in the mud.
    Hurry, wash away my sins
    I taste the rain, its blood.
    The blood from all my victims
    creates a flood inside my head.
    I can hear all the screaming
    as I drown in what theyíve shed.
    Now I'll drown in all they've shed
    and with my last breath I'll find,
    a place beneath this earth
    where I can find a peace of mind.




    Submitted on 2006-04-19 11:28:06     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I could really get the image of this in my mind and i felt it too.....its was scarey and exciting to read.....i loved the way it was smooth to read but very edgy use of words
    Brilliant Piece i love it ........
    Take care
    Godbless
    Lotsaluv
    Nadine
    This could almost be a movie , wow, id love to see it
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by lostspirit | [ Reply to This ]
      Dark poems these days isn't really my style of reading but somehow you have captured my attention with the title and the first few sentences.
    This reminded me a lot of people claiming that they can see things that other cannot see- spiritual beliefs and the ability to express that out perfectly clear is a hard task all by itself although we are watching movies which can make our imaginations very vivid. I also found it interesting that you are blaming all of your sins towards evil and that it is not your fault but the fault of evil. and then somewhere in the middle, someting happens like a battlefield that is inside trying to overcome the good or the evil. well you know how wars are. Somehow, in the ending i get the impression that evil has won and that you are now paying for all of your sins. I guess paying for your sins depending on what you do is worthy of yet somehow i got the impression that the heavens weren't forgiving you or were fighting for you but with not much strength. Just my thoughts.

    When it comes to the way you have formated and performed your piece, i think it got weak in the ending and you did loose a bit of balance somewhere along the line. Let me see if i can break it down.

    "Blackened visions hushed
    as if they werenít there at all.
    Demonic laughs tremble off my lips
    after all the things I saw."

    I don't see nothing wrong with this expect suggesting for the last one "After everything i saw" sounds better to me.

    "Free me from this evil
    that causes fire to burn inside.
    Please donít blame me for this mess
    the smoke has covered up my eyes."

    Here the readers have to question what evil you talk about and what mess you talk about which interests readers to go further and discover what you have done wrong. I find something wrong with the second line here. I'm thinking maybe "The fire burns within me"

    "The confessional is closing in on me
    still, no one took away my sins
    so I run outside towards the light
    and the sky shifts and darkens."

    In this piece, i think you are being a bit too informal. You use straightforward talk which shifts away from your usual tone.

    "Liquid falling from the sky,
    now I'm sinking in the mud.
    Hurry, wash away my sins
    I taste the rain, its blood."

    The first line i think it's "Liquid falls from the sky" Things are getting much clearer as you come closer to your objective.

    "The blood from all my victims
    creates a flood inside my head.
    I can hear all the screaming
    as I drown in what theyíve shed."

    I don't really like how this is put. Although i see your rhymes here perfectly clear, there is something about this that i don't like. Maybe because it's the climax- the whole purpose of the piece; the reason why this piece has been created. To me, it makes me think that you are a murderer but what kind that remains the question.

    "It becomes so hard to breathe
    they cut off my air supply.
    I know if justice is served tonight,
    I will have to die."

    And there we have your consciousness telling you what you have done wrong. If you have a flood in your head, i wonder how many victims there were. This becomes tricky when you think of it. The thing about writes is that things may not appear the way they are. So this particular part makes me think of where the link is.

    the next piece is all about the good coming down and the bad rising up. A bit different from the entire piece but still acceptable.

    "I canít be saved from this fate,
    Itís clear as I fall down.
    Revenge threw me into what I deserve.
    That dark hole in the ground."

    This ending is a bit deceitful. I'm not very happy with this ending. We know that you've done something bad and you got to pay for it and apparently will pay but i think there is a better way at coming to this point. I can't advice you on that one yet still, i think it could have been stonger.

    Hope this was helpful and also i hope to see more of your work soon. Do take care....
    Irina.



    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by charmedidentity | [ Reply to This ]
      Jeez Samm, your stream of talent just never stops flowing, does it?
    (hah like my metaphor?)

    When I started reading this, I didn't intend to comment because I didn't feel like it... but I liked it so much that I just had to tell you.

    I disagree with the other commentors and all their "improvements." I thought it was wonderful in every way.

    I like how in the first couple lines, it seems like you're all "HA Im craaazy b*tch, WHAT?!?!"
    But then it's more like you didnt mean to do such bad things (I want to think you killed 5 people and robbed a bank... but I know thats not true... or is it? Hmm.)

    Anyways, I also like how its like a story... a very well written poetic story
    Not only did it hold my attention, but it seemed to grab it and ring its neck!!!
    (metaphorically, of course. I dont actually think your poem tried to strangle my attention. That would just be weird.)

    I have a bunch of favorite parts, but the two that stuck out the most were:

    "The confessional is closing in on me
    still, no one took away my sins"
    (I love that. Very creative, and it says a lot. I would expand on that, but you already know what it means... because YOU said it. ...Fo sho.)

    And:

    "Liquid falling from the sky,
    now I'm sinking in the mud.
    Hurry, wash away my sins
    I taste the rain, its blood."
    (How clever is that?!? When you said "liquid," my simple little mind thought "water." I didn't see that coming, and of course, I love it.)

    I like the way you used the angels and stuff, and the one part made me think of the song that Eminem and someone sings about when bad meets evil. Hmm... is that what its called? That would sure make sence if it was.

    Oh well. Anywho, I think this might be one of my favorites from you, but thats kind of hard to say since I love them all.

    Nice title, too, by the way
    It fits quite wonderfully here... AND its a great song.
    ...Perhaps I should start mentioning in the descriptions that I steal titles lol
    Maybe next time.

    I think I'm out of stuffs to say, Samm. So I suppose I'll be on my way now, and back to my page where I belong.

    [censored]!!!!! There are pop-ups popping up everywhere!!!!!!!!
    Ahhhh. Byee deary


    lol hah Look. Flying cow.

    Love always
    Your besty pal and biggest fan EVER
    -nikkki
    (thats me.)
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by Liv2LoveThePain | [ Reply to This ]
      Ok, this peice's beginning is much better than the end. the biblical imagery of the confessional, demons, raining blood, is quite nice.

    Blackened visions hushed
    as if they werenít there at all.
    Demonic laughs tremble off my lips
    after all the things I saw.
    Free me from this evil
    that causes fire to burn inside.
    Please donít blame me for this mess
    -slight loss in tone here "mess" just isn't as intense as the rest of the bit, you understand? see if you can rephrase this line.

    the smoke has covered up my eyes.
    The confessional is closing in on me
    still, no one took away my sins
    so I run outside towards the light
    and the sky shifts and darkens.
    -very nice imagery in these 4 lines.

    Liquid falling from the sky,
    now I'm sinking in the mud.
    Hurry, wash away my sins
    I taste the rain, its blood.

    another very nice 4 set. nice twist.

    The blood from all my victims
    creates a flood inside my head.
    I can hear all the screaming
    as I drown in what theyíve shed.
    -this set also. they ryhme is solid, the rythme is a touch off. syllable or two too long on the last 2 lines.

    The blood from all my victims
    flooding inside my head
    i can hear the screaming
    in the blood i've shed.

    i think the rythme's better like that.

    after that, the diction seems to weaken.

    i'd skip to this bit:

    Just as itís about to end
    angels come crashing from the sky.
    The ground suddenly opens
    the demons have come to fight.
    The war for humanity starts
    and it will end tonight.

    i changed good and evil to humanity, i think that works better.

    the ending couplet isn't as strong. try creating a visual picture of the demons beating the angels, implying your descent instead of stating it plainly.

    good write.

    -AptPupilofLife

    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by AptPupilofLife2 | [ Reply to This ]


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