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    dots Submission Name: Just Erasedots

    Author: roxygirl239
    ASL Info:    14/f/VA
    Elite Ratio:    3.39 - 450/305/44
    Words: 113
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 913
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 935




    (I haven't thought of a category, since its not all about anger)

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsJust Erasedots

    I erase
    This skin I’m in
    I cut at the bones
    And paste them
    Odd ways

    Deformed emotionally
    Tears falling inside
    Pain seeping outside

    Erase me from my world!
    Kill my soul already!
    I’ll unlock you now!

    Break my cement walls
    Tear down my rainforests
    Pollute my air
    Just let me be!

    I would scream
    But I haven’t a voice
    Head throbbing
    Body convulsing

    Scratched through
    The door
    Only to find another
    And another…
    And another…
    And another…
    Then the key
    To the first

    Beat me down
    Make me bleed
    Make me shriek
    Seclude me

    Submitted on 2004-05-07 19:57:38     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      i liked this piece, it's full of raw emotion. it reminds me of john donne's "batter my heart three-personed god", especially "Break my cement walls/ Tear down my rainforests" (although donne uses similar images to mean something quite different from this poem)...

    for some reason the repetition of "Anger/Confusion/Alone…" stands out too much. maybe you could condense them into one line?

    i, too, think that this stanza "Erase me from my world!/Kill my soul already!/Escape!/I’ll unlock you now!/Flee!" seems out of place. while i understand the emotion behind it, i wonder if you could rewrite it to fit the flow of the poem. the exclaimation marks are what get to me, i think. the words should be enough without the punctuation.

    i liked the repetition of "And another…"

    i think the end is too abrupt. not sure what i'd do there...

    overall, nice work.
    | Posted on 2004-11-20 00:00:00 | by creativeentity | [ Reply to This ]
      I reread this a couple of times and I keep getting the sense that this is not just a metaphor about a person feeling lost, confused and alone, but maybe mother earth as well, as we destroy everything, "Break my cement walls
    Tear down my rainforests
    Pollute my air
    Just let me be!"

    its very interesting to see that parallel, I don't know if you were thinking that, the only stanza that I have issue with is
    "Erase me from my world!
    Kill my soul already!
    I’ll unlock you now!

    it almost seems unnecessary to have this commentary added to the piece.
    Sometimes it is good to be beaten down, and to bleed, and to shreik, so then you really understand the goodness in life and can overcome the trials that inevitably will task you as you walk your path....anyway....good job. ;)
    | Posted on 2004-05-17 00:00:00 | by legalinsane | [ Reply to This ]
      It sounds like you were distressed inside of this poem...That you have just given up of all you had...You tried, and tried, and tried...But you didn't have any success into getting anywhere from an abuser...It sounds like you just stand there now and let that person continue to come inside of your life and destroy you...Am I correct on your poem...It was sort of hard to understand , but I think I know how you feel...I don't know I could be wrong...
    | Posted on 2004-05-08 00:00:00 | by Crestfallenman | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really good but its screams confusion... anger confusion alone... very sad but real too. writing is a good way to get all this out. i really like the image of scrathing throgh doors only to find the key to the first one! almost gives an air of desperation. i really like this
    | Posted on 2004-05-08 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      shrunken down into darkness is not a pleasant place to be...unfortunately you can't escape yourself except only in delusion...you should change tear to cut down my rainforests i think...write on baby doll.
    | Posted on 2004-05-07 00:00:00 | by pestiferous | [ Reply to This ]
      Are these commentors unfeeling of raw emotion?

    I get it...I see what you are saying and I even feel some of this pain...Release the soul, release the pain.

    And isn't it ironic to find the key to the first door after clawing your way through so many? That was a very good metaphor for what your were feeling.

    I don't think this is the typical angst type poem. It was very literate in its statements and leaves the reader (me) holding my ears to muffle the shrieks.

    Good work!
    | Posted on 2004-05-11 00:00:00 | by angela~ | [ Reply to This ]

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