Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Only wingsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vastmark
    ASL Info:    29/M/U.K
    Elite Ratio:    6.02 - 225/171/26
    Words: 133
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 892
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 900



    Description:
       I have been working on this for... well, what seems like forever. Still not 100% It's not written to any form, just my own wacky ideas.

    It is what it is, nothing too deep here, just a thought of what may happen if we had evolved differently, no i was not on narcotics when concieving this. I was thinking of a some books I read once by Sara Douglass that's it really.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsOnly wingsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    How might it be if we could go,
    Where only wings had been before?
    To ride the thermals high above
    And feel chill wind through ruffled feathers.

    Would we build cities among the clouds?
    Carving deep a heritage in mountain sides.
    Pursuing for mankind, more noble goals;
    Leaving the battlefield stain below.

    Hearing songs cry out in release
    From the manacles of the ground.
    Rolling, diving with ineffable joy
    Rising to Icarusís reaching hand.

    Protecting ourselves from a regretful path
    Under a canopy of united wings
    With so much more to say and be
    Worlds thrown open to explore.

    or

    Would mankindís malignant shadow
    Throw us back down into the dirt?
    Reminding us even heavenly escape
    May not rid us of our curse.




    Submitted on 2006-04-19 17:49:59     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I liked this a whole lot. It's plain and simple. Nothing to decode or obsess over, and it presents a nice little fanciful image of flying people. I think my only complaint is that since you don't have a rigorous form to follow here, I would've liked to see you play and experiment with words a bit more. It's a bit of an odd concept, so why not throw in some oddball words and phrases to make it a bit more interesting?

    Keep writing
    ~Venia
    | Posted on 2007-11-11 00:00:00 | by Venia | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nicely done...I fancy this heaps!

    A neat feeling of freedom runs through it, the eternal wishing of men to fly like a bird, and your contrasts with the cruel realities of the real world are good too.

    Nothing to improve, although I totally disagree with Steve, I wasn't happy with "or" sitting there like a lost hankie. I'd start the last stanza with it, (as you possibly had before?) Just shows, it's all a matter of personal likes and dislikes.

    A great poem mate, excellent, in fact.

    be happy

    Graeme
    | Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by wewak11 | [ Reply to This ]
      Ahhh!! This is a nice poem. I have always wondered how it would be to have the life of a bird. Seagulls are in fact my favorite, well maybe not my favorite bird overall but the one that I would wish to be if I could be a bird. They have the life! A never ending oceanview eating seafood every day or perhaps some potato chips and sandwiches while hanging out on the beach and anyone that they dont like, well they can just poop on them! haha! They have the gift of flight, to fly free with no boundaries, no pressure, no demands. That would really be quite the life. This poem made me reflect on that thought of mine for a bit and I appreciate that very much. You took me on a journey for a while until that damn reality thing kicked in at the end of the poem. [censored]ing reality! Anyway, this is a good poem. Well written and expressed. Hope you are well. Take care.

    Lorna
    | Posted on 2006-05-02 00:00:00 | by lmz | [ Reply to This ]
      I like this one a lot.

    Nitpicks first (they're easy)
    Through us down into the dirt?
    Should be throw


    I don't think I would change anything of the message or the theme. You've asked a very provocative question and I wouldn't tamper with it at all.

    I think I might throw a little more light on the alternatives by adding a one word "stanza" just before the last stanza, just a simple "or..."

    Protecting ourselves from a regretful path
    Under a canopy of united wings
    With so much more to say and be
    Worlds thrown open to explore.

    Or...

    Would mankindís malignant shadow
    Throw us down into the dirt?
    Reminding us even heavenly escape
    May not rid us of our curse.



    You've created an image of a beautiful utopian world and I think the more you can force readers to pause before considering the alternative, the more powerful that alternative becomes.



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      I really liked this prose/poem, just as mentioned above, it poses a very provocative question, and makes you think. That is one of the rarer (try saying that five times fast) elements in writing that I find hard to come by.

    It would really be pointless for me to basically point out everything Lost Sheep has; keep it up!

    -mystmaker
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by MystMaker | [ Reply to This ]
      well. certainly a lovely write, though brief. i enjoyed it, and it had a fair amount of imagery, though i think it could use a bit more. but, as you said, it isnt 100% yet, now is it? and while ive never read any sarah douglass, this is quite an idea, or at least a picture of a world that... sadly in today's society is unnattainable. mankind will not find peace until every lost warmongering thought is removed from every head. (in other words, the way to rid the earth of war, is to rid it of humans.) just my personal opinion, though... i realise this is not my soap box. mankind has a way of taking something beautiful and, yes, throwing it straight into the dirt.

    anyways, good write, mediocre imagery, a few spelling errors, but nothing that hasnt already been pointed out.
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by Lackluster | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    99717

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry