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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Perpetual Moondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: KimmyMim
    Elite Ratio:    4.4 - 223/303/117
    Words: 106
    Class/Type: Misc/Nature
    Total Views: 936
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 934



    Description:
       Just messing around...I love a beached, moonlit night...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsPerpetual Moondots
    -------------------------------------------


    Exotic moonbeams
    caress the night
    with hypnotic colors,
    glowing like magnetic
    jewels, mindlessly luring
    the mirrored surface
    of a deep and darkened
    deluge.

    Salted waters endlessly
    salivating thousands
    of delicate bubbles
    in passionate waves
    cooling on sleepy beaches
    with hums and hymns
    and whispers of sound,
    inching and frothing forward,
    grabbing with desperate fists
    like whirlpools that spin
    with unspoken memories
    and move the grains of ancient
    sands, buried again forever
    with time waiting patiently
    for rebirth while
    passing silently back,
    pulling, tossing and spurning,
    finally released by the
    secret covenant created
    long ago between the Earth
    and the delicate
    Moonbeams
    of the nightsky...
    unnoticed.




    Submitted on 2006-04-19 23:06:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love poems about the moon and this one was so intricately woven that I found myself floating in line with your words. There's something about the moon that can hypnotize you and take you on a wistful journey. That's what your poems does.. it takes me away as I read each line.

    These are my favorite lines as they conjure up a beautiful image in my mind.

    "Salted waters endlessly
    salivating thousands
    of delicate bubbles
    in passionate waves
    cooling on sleepy beaches
    with hums and hymns
    and whispers of sound,"

    Good writing, I enjoyed!!
    | Posted on 2006-05-01 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is unusual on this site where the picture and poem seem intimately intertwined. You paint a beautiful pastoral image with words.
    I found myself strolling along that shore lost in the mirror of the sea reflecting back moonbeams. So like our thoughs reflected back into our personalities.
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by realpoet | [ Reply to This ]
      Alright... I'm rather tired right now, but, and correct me if I am wrong, I believe this is about the tidal shifts and such... I must say that your descriptions, while a bit too elaborate for me at this time, were absolutely splendid...

    Though the moonlit night has been described thousands of times, the scene you laid out was refreshing and had the accuracy of someone who has seen many nights on the shore...

    Maybe it's just mydrowsy state speaking here, but I do think that the language you used could be toned down a bit for the more casual reader... It was well written, but I couldn't help but feel a bit assaulted by vocabulary at times... Just a thought...

    Anyway, I really enjoyed this piece and I wish you well in your future endeavors...

    Peace,
    Meckes
    | Posted on 2006-04-19 00:00:00 | by Meckes | [ Reply to This ]
      Very, very nice I like this. Your use of imagery was magnificent and that picture went very well with the write.

    You made it sound so much more than just a description of a place and setting. It was like I was there, I had vivid images in mind as I read this. Most definitely keep up the good work and have a blessed and most wonderful day.
    | Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      The rhythm is breathless, and this is due to the lack of punctuation. U seriously need more punctuation in this. The read could make u dizzy and u could lose track with this.

    I read twice already, and I am sure I will read more even along the comment.

    Also u have 2 uneven stanzas and I don't see the point of dividing the poem that way. It is small enough to form one stanza, or at most 2 even ones. It creates a certain imbalance. Just my opinion.

    Try to read this outloud. The enjambments u used verse to verse to verse, tend to be tiring. As if racing.

    Let us take ur 1st stanza:

    Exotic moonbeams
    caress the night
    with hypnotic colors,
    glowing like magnetic
    jewels, mindlessly luring
    the mirrored surface
    of a deep and darkened
    deluge.

    Although punctuation is much better than the other one it still is breathless.
    My nitpick is in the las 4 verses. 4 enjambments in 4 verses, to me it is too heavy. My suggestion:

    Exotic moonbeams
    caress the night
    with hypnotic colors,
    glowing like magnetic
    jewels, mindlessly luring
    the mirrored surface.
    Deep and darkened deluge.

    Now I will move to another part:

    Salted waters endlessly
    salivating thousands
    of delicate bubbles
    in passionate waves
    cooling on sleepy beaches
    with hums and hymns
    and whispers of sound,

    Same thing happens here. U use an elaborate language, lots of images and lots of enjmabments again, and no punctuation (practically). This is too much to take.

    My Suggestion for this:

    Salted waters endlessly
    salivating thousands
    of delicate bubbles.
    Passionate waves
    cooling on sleepy beaches,
    with hums and hymns
    and whispers of sound,

    To me this way ur imagery is shot to the 1st level. There u see it clear. This is a really nice way u used to describe the waves on the beach, use the analogy of saliva to point out the foam.

    inching and frothing forward,
    grabbing with desperate fists
    like whirlpools that spin
    with unspoken memories
    and move the grains of ancient
    sands, buried again forever
    with time waiting patiently
    for rebirth while
    passing silently back,
    pulling, tossing and spurning,
    finally released by the
    secret covenant created
    long ago between the Earth
    and the delicate
    Moonbeams
    of the nightsky...
    unnoticed.

    My nitpick is the same so I will point my suggestion directly.

    inching and frothing forward
    grabbing with desperate fists.
    Like whirlpools that spin
    with unspoken memories,
    and move the grains of ancient
    sands, buried again forever
    with time waiting patiently,
    for rebirth
    while passing silently back.
    Pulling, tossing and spurning,
    finally released by the
    secret covenant created
    long ago between the Earth
    and the delicate
    Moonbeams
    of the nightsky...
    unnoticed.

    The last 8 verses work the way you punctuated them, so I left them as is.
    I don't see the point of the word unnoticed in the end. I think finishing on the nightsky gives us the feeling of a wave finishing it's journey softly on the beach. The unnoticed is superfluous in my opinion.

    You have a capacity to weave imagery in a romantic perspective. The description seems a bit like the whirling passion of 2 lovers meeting. U create an intimacy between the beach and the wave, u give them life, yet in the end u get us back to reality, saying all this beauty is the effect of the moonbeam and the earth's contract. That they are not alive, and all this beauty and all the meanings we give it are just things we are feeling.

    That is all I have to say, and my suggestions are only my unbinding opinion.

    Peace,
    Viviane
    | Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by babyblue002 | [ Reply to This ]


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