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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Car Rally - Easter Weekenddots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: comradenessie
    Elite Ratio:    6.5 - 626/539/110
    Words: 136
    Class/Type: Misc/Misc
    Total Views: 1760
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 989



    Description:
       I experimented with this one, do you think the lack of punctuation and the compound words work?


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsCar Rally - Easter Weekenddots
    -------------------------------------------


    land of arthur
    where uther pendragon dreamed lustful
    among high cliffs wooded slopes thickened with ferns
    daffodils upright and eager as spectators
    balancing precariously on primrose banks
    we hear the hum of engines before we arrive

    ancient celtic warriors
    driven like despair after battle
    rusted spare tyres
    like latterday shields fastened
    secure on metal backs they wait their turn
    airpressure checked anxious to be off
    varooming up mineshop hill the track is dry
    no cannon or volkswagon beetle falls victim
    to wheels churning in mud
    to be rescued in ropedrawn
    redfaced embarrassment

    above the clearwater stream whistles in hands
    oilskinned officials group on the rustic bridge
    as hands on the clutch greyhaired drivers
    push their oldfashioned dated darlings
    to the last inch of petrolpowered
    beautiful old age




    Submitted on 2006-04-20 05:47:50     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Ness, a couple of commenters have already gone on about the word "sink"-- I think you could delete it as it's already implied by "churning" don't you think? As for compounding words, it's great-- and I also think you could compound a few more, like: "latterday", "airpressure", "ropedrawn", "clearwater", "greyhaired" and "oldfashioned"-- but of course, I'll leave this up to your judgment. One other nitpick-- "last inch" shouldn't be enjambed-- it reads awkwardly when stuck on different lines, don't you think?

    In response to your question in your description as to whether the lack of punctuation works-- I think it does. I like to see experimentation as it makes the writer push his/her boundaries, and it also surprises a reader who is familiar with that writer's work. However, maybe you could break this up into three parts maybe-- I saw three myself where it might work well in giving it an intro/middle/outro effect. Here (with the compound suggestions I gave previously):

    land of arthur
    where uther pendragon dreamed lustful
    among high cliffs wooded slopes thickened with ferns
    daffodils upright and eager as spectators
    balancing precariously on primrose banks
    we hear the hum of engines before we arrive

    ancient celtic warriors
    driven like despair after battle
    rusted spare tyres
    like latterday shields fastened
    secure on metal backs they wait their turn
    airpressure checked anxious to be off
    varooming up mineshop hill the track is dry
    no cannon or volkswagon beetle falls victim
    to wheels churning in mud
    to be rescued in ropedrawn
    redfaced embarrassment

    above the clearwater stream whistles in hands
    oilskinned officials group on the rustic bridge
    as hands on the clutch greyhaired drivers
    push their oldfashioned dated darlings
    to the last inch of petrolpowered
    beautiful old age


    It's lineated slightly differently but you'll see where. And I dropped "sink" and made sure "last inch" were together. What do you think?

    As I just said, it's really great to see people pushing their boundaries. We don't grow if we keep on doing the same old thing in my opinion.

    I've read this a few times now but I wanted to let other commenters have their say before I chipped in with my thoughts-- hence the reason for such a delayed response.

    Great use of Arthurian legend as metaphors for a rally-- really imaginative.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-05-25 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]
      Vanessa,
    I also really like the image going on here. My issue with the piece is that rhythmically it feels very off-putting. I've tried speaking it many ways and can't find a rhythm to it as written, but there is one under there that I think you can get too by a simple relineation of the poem.
    I can see this relineation going one of two directions at the moment. First... just shorten the lines cut wise. I think that would give the poem the fel of engines being reved... waiting to go... and then the drum beat of battle which would be, in my mind, so important to any celtic scene.
    " land of arthur where uther pendragon dreamed lustful
    among high cliffs wooded slopes thickened with ferns
    daffodils upright and eager as spectators"
    goes to
    "land of arthur
    where uther pendragon
    dreamed lustful(ly)
    among high cliffs wooded
    slopes thickened with ferns
    daffodils upright
    and eager as spectators"
    It takes on an incantatory feel. Can you here it?
    Another suggestion would be to go with a more Strong stress rhythm much like Beowulf or Sir Gawain and the Green Knight.
    "Land of Arthur
    where Uther penDragon
    Dreamed lustful(Ly)
    aMong (the) high Cliffs
    Wooded Slopes
    Thickened with Ferns
    Daffodils Upright
    and Eager as Spectators"
    (the Capital letters being where you would speak heavier stresses and only a visual cue to show you, not to be used in the actual writing) ;)
    Just thoughts.
    I think Either way would only heighten the inherent power already in your piece but which gets rather bogged down, (n the mud as it were, unlike your Beetles)
    | Posted on 2006-04-22 00:00:00 | by DavidHirt | [ Reply to This ]
      An ancient car rally in Cornwall, beautifully depicted, with some refreshingly new phrases. Just awesome! You gave us the hurried spirit of the rally and a gentle description of that beautiful landscape. My only suggestion would be to change "sink" (as a compromise) to "sunken". As is, it works for me, but others but balk at it.

    That's really all I have, except to repeat that i thoroughly enjoyed reading this. It was an unusual subject and you captured it perfectly.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      Since I read analytically (and search repeatedly for meaning a casual glance might miss), the lack of punctuation and the occasional compound word (oilskinned, petrolpowered,redfaced, mineshop) don't usually derail me. I believe it works best here because the subject matter and extended metaphor are so obvious (and comparing a road rally to a jousting tournament for elderly enthusiasts was wryly amusing; old men lovingly showing off the cars of their youth is a way of life in the US).

    "above the clear water stream whistles in hands
    oilskinned officials group on the rustic bridge
    as hands on the clutch grey haired drivers
    push their old fashioned dated darlings to the last
    inch of petrolpowered beautiful old age"

    The last two lines of the post add a bit of bite to an otherwise neutral observation about celtic pride and automotive prowess. I wish I could find something to nitpick here, but it's too well written for that. My only suggestion might be to expand on the theme if you so desired, but as it stands, it's fine.

    Nicely done comrade, take care.
    Bill.
    | Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      i'd be tempted to capitalise arthur and uther pendragon - maybe even volkswagon, though that seems less appropriate.

    and so it's a combination of old and new, the celtic spirit, of cornwall (no doubt), and the modern car rally, racing like ancient celtic warriors, and nothing ever truly dies it's just reborn.

    and hello! it's good to see you posting again, and pushing yourself creatively - i really love varoomingand sink wheels churning in mud - sink sounds so much more sudden and dramatic than sinking which sounds slow and drawn out.

    and i kind of like the way the title is so matter of fact, like a quick note in a diary, and contrasts with the excited quick style of the poem.

    i say kind of like because at first it seemed odd-fitting, but it's grown on me.

    and it works splendidly with no punctuation slowing it down.

    Adam.
    | Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      Interesting piece. I'm a Nascar fan myself, but this description of the rally was really interesting.

    In general, the lack of puncuation didn't bug me, but there was one spot in the middle where things are a bit troubled.
    no cannon or volkswagon beetle falls victim
    to sink wheels churning in mud

    I can't really get my head around this. It seems like a car would fall victim to sinking wheels, but maybe I'm reading it wrong.

    There are a couple of great lines here:
    to be rescued in rope drawn redfaced embarrassment
    was good and
    as hands on the clutch grey haired drivers
    push their old fashioned dated darlings to the last
    inch of petrolpowered beautiful old age

    was incredible.

    Good to hear from you,



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-04-20 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]


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