Description: Questions of/if/will I/ and when/ and do I know what to do when /and if----eh who knows?
The Problem Solution -------------------------------------------
The Solution Problem
Time fails to compare.
The object of this game
isn’t to go anywhere.
Sit and wait for nothing,
like that song, that
reminded you of something-
back in a day when you cared.
And all was ok with the mediocrity
teething at your heals the hypocrisy
just before the horror scene
& it wont make you -who you
really want to be!
It’s never going to change.
Better get accustomed to it
And welcome that pain
Put your heart into it-
Someone is going to do it.
The solution
The problem?
Got em'
Just don’t know what to do with them
F*ckin' Nice.......I like you when your serious....you know that. So I see myspace has taken you away from this site (to a degree) just as it did to me.
Interesting. I like how it was broken up and the rhyme scheme was kept throughout. I think it flows nicely as well. I particularly liked the lines:
"& it wont make you -who you really want to be!"
The one thing I don't like it I can't really understand what your trying to say. The poem doesn't necessarily need to be longer...but perhaps it might me good to change a few lines around?
"teething at your heals" do you mean "teething at your heels" or "teething at you heals"? i'm confused about that so i thought i'd bring it up.
honestly, i think you need to distill this... to not have it so generic and bland... which i think it is.
sorry, but i'm just being honest here... it's totally FILLED with clichés i've heard a million times already. and you've managed to string them all together in one poem almost. ok, it's not totally clichéd... only half the lines are.
i suggest revising this completely... injecting more originality into it. god, i hate being so mean... but i have to be honest with you.