Hello, Sir by MaeBirdie

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Submission Name: Hello, Sir dots

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Author:	MaeBirdie
ASL Info:	17/female/US
Elite Ratio:	3.72 - 59/51/30
Words:	122

Class/Type:	Poetry/
Total Views:	133
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	761

Description:
Um....yeah. Please don't hurt me! *cowers*

~*~

I edited it a wee tiny bit, see if you think it's any better.

~Birdie~
~Birdie~

Hello, Sir dots

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Hello, sir. Remember me?
I’m the girl you killed last Wednesday.

I was twelve years old. Thirteen today.
But it’s my funeral, I’m tucked away
Inside my coffin, with a flower bouquet
Mom’s crying at the sad display

I was walking home from school
You were drunk, more’s the fool
I crossed the road, you hit the fuel
My ending was painful, folks call it cruel

I hope you feel guilt to the end of your days
And beyond, until to heaven you’re raised
And when you are asked to sing your own praise
I hope you falter under their gaze

Goodbye, sir, remember me well
I’m the girl you ran over last Wednesday.

Submitted on 2006-04-21 08:49:54 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  wow. very powerful and I hope you will send it to your local paper so they can publish it.

you only need to fix one thing and maybe make it not gender-specific, like I'm the kid you ran over last wednesday so it would apply to all the kids who have been hit by cars.

this line needs something:

"That way you can save other people hearts so sore"

this is kind of awkward.

that way you can save others' hearts so sore might work better or something like that.

just minor stuff. fantastic poem.
| Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by sierramuse8 | [ Reply to This ]
  I agree with the others...the rhyming seemed kind of forced at times. And I was a little thrown off at how the first and last lines didn't rhyme like the rest of the poem. Other than that, it was a nice piece with a meaningful message. Unique take on drinking and driving...overall I thought you did a good job..just needs some minor adjustments.

-brandy
| Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by w0rdz_0f_wizd0m | [ Reply to This ]
  good write overall, but i agree with oli a bit choppy, a story/poem that is sad but telling, drinking and driving is not a smart thing to do, the more people who say it, the better, so good job

~*~amber~*~
| Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by rocknpoetrychik | [ Reply to This ]
  This was a good story but I think you tried too hard to rhyme. It was choppy at moments. But I really liked this. A good story to make people think twice about drinking. It was sad yet enjoyable. Just needs to flow better I think.
- -Oli
| Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by Oli | [ Reply to This ]
  Amazing perspective. This was a neat way to express this idea. While the rhymes were a bit choppy at times, overall, it worked well in each of the stanzas read seperately. I feel for this narrator, as I have seen this happen before. Nice write, and the emotion came across well.
Wishing for more
~Brian
| Posted on 2006-05-09 00:00:00 | by Imadjinn | [ Reply to This ]

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