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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sky's Lifedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: lmz
    ASL Info:    40/female/USA
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 3433/1529/84
    Words: 64
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 1777
    Average Vote:    3.5000
    Bytes: 522



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSky's Lifedots
    -------------------------------------------


    I saw the sky today.
    Early morning twilight
    gave way to orange juice sunrise.
    Awakening, a new beginning
    faded into baby blue reality,
    constant. . .
    until clouded with somber gray.
    Overcome with weight, a release
    cleansing, renewed.
    Time passed, clearing
    welcomed heated passion of pink, orange, red, purple
    color splashed romance
    before fading into night's slumber.
    I saw the sky today.




    Submitted on 2006-04-21 09:11:19     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I love the theme...I have a soft spot for the sky. Write me anything about the sky and I will seriously melt...=]]

    for a critique, though, there s no cure. I ...must...critique....=]

    The formatting didn't quite hold with me, making the poem like one big blob of pictures. What it needs is some line formatting--For example: to make it flow better, with the pictures separated,do this. Also notice where I put the semicolons, which give the reader nice spots for gentle pause and reflection.


    I saw the sky today;
    Early morning twilight
    gave way to orange juice sunrise.

    Awakening, a new beginning
    faded into baby blue reality,
    constant. . .

    until clouded with somber gray.
    Overcome with weight, a release

    cleansing, renewed.
    Time passed, clearing
    welcomed heated passion of pink, orange, red, purple

    color splashed romance

    before fading into night's slumber;

    I saw the sky today.

    The line /give way to orange juice sunrise/ stands out, and not quite spectacularly. The image of orange juice holds all the charm and grace of 'beverage' and 'juice carton,' making the poem seem country style and commercial. I know that this was not your aim, since this image is the only one in the entire poem that gave such a connotation, so may I suggest a softer and more vivid description? Maybe,
    /give way to a sherbet orange sunrise/ or something more tasteful, if you have to use food,=]]

    otherwise, the poem has much promise to be on my favorites. As I said, I like the sky....=]]]

    Maevity
    | Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by Maevity | [ Reply to This ]
      Not too sure I understand fully the message here but I maybe looking into it too deeply and you're simply talking about seeing the sky!!!

    However, well wrtten with a good flow to it. The colours used give warm and cold feelings just like the changing of the seasons which leaves me with a feeling of ambiguity after reading this.

    I imagine that you were simply sitting on a hill somewhere absorbing the atmosphere when you wrote this.

    Very pleasant writing though.
    | Posted on 2006-12-04 00:00:00 | by Nick_23 | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't know which is the most amazing; your talent for photography, or your talent for prose and poetry! But, methinks both are spectacular!
    | Posted on 2006-10-25 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow... you have some major talent!! Have you ever been published? In book form as opposed to on this site? Anyhoo, very nice work. I really like the way you sculpt and mold the words into a very vivid picture.

    Marcusj
    | Posted on 2006-09-13 00:00:00 | by Marcusj | [ Reply to This ]
      I like how you SAW the sky...
    alls its changes and emotions. You didn't just take it for granted like most people do. As always with you, I have found nothing that I would change. You put so much heart in your work for it ever to be bad.
    Sky's Life really reminded me other the weather down here where it can just change in the blink of an eye.
    Thanks for sharing,
    Swanne
    | Posted on 2006-06-03 00:00:00 | by Swanne | [ Reply to This ]
      I would have thought, otherwise, that the overuse of colours would have ruined the effect of this poem, but your brilliant choice and placement of them creates a beautiful image of the sun rising. A perfect piece of work, with no critical comment from me.

    Abbas
    | Posted on 2006-05-16 00:00:00 | by abuzzbuzz92 | [ Reply to This ]
      Great poem. To me, it looks like you're using the sky and its phases as a comparison for life.
    | Posted on 2006-05-15 00:00:00 | by Donne Rogue | [ Reply to This ]
      I'm not a real good morning person, but the sunrise feels good to watch as I sit all camoflauged and hidden away waiting for a Gobbler to sneak from the underbrush and enter my sights-- to become another meal.
    So, I guess I'll miss the true message beneath the simple beauty and magnificent wonder of its effect on a moment of pure relaxation.
    It's another (censored)(sencered) senceless censerless Tuesday!
    But life goes on. ker-thump, ker-thump, ker-thump, ker-thump, ker-thump, ka-ka-ka-thump, ka-thump, ker-ker-thump, ka-ker-thump!
    | Posted on 2006-05-10 00:00:00 | by Clayton | [ Reply to This ]
      Very nice description, I enjoyed the visuals and the relaxing atmosphere that this conjures for the reader.
    However if I may be so bold as to make these little suggestions.

    I saw the sky today.
    Early morning twilight
    giving way to orange juice sunrise.

    until clouded with somber gray.
    Overcome by burden, a release,
    cleansing tears of renewel.

    As I read through it these just popped into my head.

    Cheers Lorna good read
    later
    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-05-06 00:00:00 | by Vastmark | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't have alot to offer on this one that hasn't been said. I, too, loved the color references all through the piece. I might start that a line earlier with "The purple twilight", but the you might want to remove purple later.

    This one made me think about the sky, and thinking is always good. Your last line echoing the first "I saw the sky today" made me stop and think "Did I see the sky today?"



    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-05-04 00:00:00 | by Lost Sheep | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lorna,

    About everything has been said so far but this I find gorgeous in its display of color. Especially when you consider how beautful the world looks when we look at the world through eyes of love.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and this is right on. And much about love is falling into us just because we are..

    Thanks for sharing, you take care now,

    Nan

    | Posted on 2006-04-29 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      You put a new meaning into 'seeing' something!

    I wonder if you are an artist?

    Lovely, cheery, and subtle, I loved this write

    So refreshing :)

    Take care
    debbie
    | Posted on 2006-04-29 00:00:00 | by cerberus74 | [ Reply to This ]
      hehe well i still have plenty of yours to read i think ,this reminded me a lil of another poem i read about sunrise which you can find in my favs folder ,this too is wonderfully descriptive bringing a colorful scene to mind as a kinda romantic lazy kinda day drifting into a serene nightfall.I found reading this rather relaxing and stimulating at the same time which was cool :)have a nice weekend
    Graham






    | Posted on 2006-04-29 00:00:00 | by gd66uk | [ Reply to This ]
      I love this for it's color and for it's life.

    As I read this the sky was coming into focus in my little mind....so clear and beautiful.

    I once tried to write about the sky but failed
    so I decided to go religious instead....lol

    again nice job

    ~we are not the machines of god

    ~shawn
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by armand | [ Reply to This ]
      I've always loved, admired and envied your incredible talent for writing a portrait. I can it perfectly, as though the painting itself were poised before me. To me this sounds like a child whose grown to the perfect age to Really look at the sky, to really See it for the first time and have that delicious wonder and awe. Or a blind man who just regained his sight after many years, to look upon the sky and realize how much it means to be human, and to look at the vastness and feel so small. God, this was just beautiful. It filled me with my own sense of wonder and awe, ashamed of myself for taking my eyes for granted. Absolutely perfect.

    Be Well,
    ~Rachel~
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by nebnim | [ Reply to This ]
      You've painted a wonderful picture of a new day. It's a very beautiful and unique write. Loved reading.

    Soph
    | Posted on 2006-04-26 00:00:00 | by Soph | [ Reply to This ]
      Seeing all these different features of the sky in one day and really paying attention to each ones beauty, you have did in this poem.
    You've captured each moment in detail, even the rainbow and shared them here with us.
    Painted a picture of marvelous beauty!
    ~Linda
    | Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by AlabamaFarmGirl | [ Reply to This ]
      And a very colorful sky too hu? I mean it all happened, sunrise ,clear blue sky then clouds and rain (That was the cleansing I assume) and even saw a rainbow!

    This was very good lorna and a fine use of the imagination! I think it is a very pretty poem and so like we say here in the hills...ya done good gurl!



    !doc'
    | Posted on 2006-04-25 00:00:00 | by dr_tigger | [ Reply to This ]
      WOW! I really liked this one. It had a great amount of depth to it. To look at such a thing and evaluate the small details into a purpose is amazing. This shows that you have a value for your surroundings. Not many can turn the normal into something extraordinary. And with this write you definitely did that.

    Such a peaceful piece as well. It was very calm and easy to follow along with. You gave it a depth of a poetic mind without losing the simplicity of what "the sky" really is.

    I could imagine with this write. And it had me feeling rather tranquil by the ending.

    Great job!

    Much love,

    Li Li
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by Munchie_1226 | [ Reply to This ]
      I like that you begin and end it with the fact that you "saw" the sky today. I think, sometimes we get so busy that the sky could actually fall on our heads and we wouldn't even notice it.
    I love the "orange juice sunrise"..
    and how the sun awakes us to a new beginning, before the reality of day hits us and turns from orange, to blue, to gray.. then the gray fades into the romantic colors of the night. The color effects you chose work well in this poem.
    My only nitpic would be to agree with Cat on the "twilight" part.. but not sure what to replace it with, or if it even matters that much. This was enjoyable to read.

    And, today, I will stop and "see" the sky
    | Posted on 2006-04-24 00:00:00 | by Intricate1 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is incredibly beautiful.

    It may not have been your intention, but this made me think of life. (How?) Allow me to explain.

    The different colors, the different shades of the sky can be symbolic of different stages in life.

    orange juice >> happy
    baby blue >> on the verge of depression
    gray >> in complete and utter despair

    It also made me think of (pardon the Lion King reference) the circle of light. From the sunrise to the night's slumber, it sounds like from birth to death, and then everything in between is life. Forgive me if I've taken this completely out of context. It was just an idea that I had while reading. ...bb...


    XoXo
    ~Tayla~
    | Posted on 2006-04-23 00:00:00 | by Phoenix2004 | [ Reply to This ]
      Colorful day you have seen here. I like how you take us through the colors of the day as morning dawns and evening ends the day with beauty. How great it would be to have everyday as colorful as this one. Seen from the eyes of a poet. A romantic veiw of a days beginning and end.
    The ending was a reestablishment of the beauty you have beheld.
    One day at a time

    Nicely done Lorna

    Respect and Admiration

    Clyde
    | Posted on 2006-04-22 00:00:00 | by Wisdom Seeker | [ Reply to This ]
      i really enjoyed this, Lorna. you've painted the sky so beautiful and full of life, passion and romance.
    i don't like the format, though. it's just a personal preference. and i question using "twilight" in the morning because the twilight technically, i think, is dusk... hmmmm...

    in any case, i love your picture of the sky.!

    peace,
    ~Cat
    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by magnicat | [ Reply to This ]
      Lorna
    This is beautiful
    All the vivid colors de=scribed really created a beautiful picture in my mind
    The sight was so beautiful
    It was like a huge tie dyed shirt opening up in my mind
    Beautiful Work Lorna
    Please keep in touch
    God Bless
    Ron
    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by Ronswords | [ Reply to This ]
      Lorna, this was really good. Imagery, description and the way yo wove the sky into the essence of it all was very clever. You are extremley good at achieving this, people could learn a lot from not just your style, but more importantly the way in which you view things.

    Another little gem from Foxy Lady.

    Frank.
    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by Frank Maguire | [ Reply to This ]
      Indeed you saw the sky today and so did I. What a nice use of imagery. You describe the rising and setting of the sun so brilliantly.
    I like the line you used to start it and to end it.

    I too like to observe the sun in all its wonder especially when the sunset is view from a beach shore, absolutely beautiful like your write.

    Thanks so much for sharing. Keep up the good work and have a blessed and most wonderful day.
    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by Departed One | [ Reply to This ]
      Great imagery! I loved line 3 the most. I liked thw wording and the way you were able to get me as a reader to feel I can see all this happen. I liked the format and the flow. You did a great job. This made me want to watch the next sunrise.

    Maggie
    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by Magnolia Steele | [ Reply to This ]
      Lorna, that was Sooo beautiful!!

    To think of the sky and the day in such colorful and imaginative is special.

    Your imagery and words paint a marvelous picture of the changing moods of the day created by colors and hues reflecting your moods as well !! :)

    Steve
    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by SHRINKSDR | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Lorna,

    This poem feels like a form. The refrain is simple but effective and adds to the sense of structure. The sun cycle and evocation of the rain cycle gives of the sense of form as well. Your are not often seen using form, and this adds interest to the poem. On the surface it has the flavor of a nature poem but some the wording implies a parallel meaning tied to the inner self and our emotional cycles of happiness and sadness. This too makes the poem interesting. The parable of nature as the self is a good one. Though I suspect you may well have intended life at large to be the parable rather than the inner self, the poem works either way. I would say that it has depth but doesn't go deep enough.

    In your poetry, you often speak in particulars, as in concrete objects, or events as vehicles for illustrating emotional states or desires but when it comes to rooting the cause of the emotion your poetry remains vague or detached. Even when you speak of the inner world it is in abstract and general terms, as in the clouds and the rain equating to sadness or hardship (depending on the perspective of the inner world of the individual or the individual in the world). It is the abstractions, sadness or hardship, in there general form that I am addressing. So long as they remain pure abstractions as they are in this poem, the emotional link to the reader remains abstract too. Though it leaves room for the reader plug in there own causes for the emotion, in my opinion, it leaves to much room or too little to connect with apart from the intellectual recognition of a pattern or an emotional truth about our nature. I also think it creates a tension through an intriguing contradiction of intent. The contradiction is that your poetry speaks of emotional states or desires but handles them with surgical gloves rather than the raw sense of the naked touch. In a sense, your emotional explorations feel like they are being done from a safe distance. So though they are eloquent and meaningful they remain controlled and contained. Even in poems like "Tunnel Vision" and "Real Love" you remain abstract in the way that you describe the emotions. I think it would be beneficial and interesting if you were to remove your gloves and put down the scalpel and tare into the flesh with your finger nails, clawing at the pain or the happiness until you have it bloody in your fist pulsing violently to be free on the page for the reader to see. Call it a challenge, they will make the poems more personal but not confessional.

    In this poem I feel that you have added new colors to your palette, I think they will give your poetry beautiful richness and depth if you will let them.
    | Posted on 2006-06-12 00:00:00 | by Car va g o | [ Reply to This ]
      Lorna,
    As always, nice work.

    Beautiful images - orange juice sunrise is my favorite.

    I saw the sky today.
    Early morning twilight
    gave way to orange juice sunrise.
    Awakening, a new beginning
    faded into baby blue reality,

    I do wonder about
    Awakening, a new beginning

    That one seems wordy to me. Is new beginning redundant? Would you have an old beginning?

    what about simply
    Awakening, beginning

    I like it!

    Good job!

    Chrystine
    | Posted on 2006-06-28 00:00:00 | by beatthedrum | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi sweetie!!!!

    It's been awhile! Sorry that I've been kind of allusive lately... you know how it is... kids, work, new job, MEN!! It's been crazy!!

    This is a baeutiful description of a very natual process. You have a very unique way of expressing such simple pleasures in exquisite ways... I continue to love this about you and your writing

    I love the way you give nature emotion, and such passion! I especially love the first stanza

    "I saw the sky today.
    Early morning twilight
    gave way to orange juice sunrise.
    Awakening, a new beginning
    faded into baby blue reality,
    constant. . ."

    Your work has much hope and imagination. I loved the reference to orange juice sunrise... its perfect, and kind of makes me thirsty!

    thanks for the great write!

    Hugs,
    Ella

    | Posted on 2006-05-18 00:00:00 | by stormyskye | [ Reply to This ]
      Terrific! A whole day's observation of the sky, from morning's sunrise to nightime's darkness. I like the moods and your descriptions, especially, "orange juice sunrise" and "color splashed romance". Here are some suggestions for you to consider:

    L8 - L9 I read this as indicating rain, a shower. With that interpretation, I would have said "by" weight and "a cleansing was released." Maybe drop "renewed" or work it in somehow in a rewritten line.

    L10 I would add "and" after "Time passed"

    L11 - L12 I'd split it after "passion" to make two lines. Also, add "the" after "welcomed."

    Well, just things to consider. I enjoyed this poem, it gave a positive outlook to the start of a day, and a promise of better things to come. I loved the repeating first and last lines. How often do we pass a whole day and never notice the sky? Too often I'm afraid, Very nice poem.

    Phil
    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by phil askew | [ Reply to This ]
      I am so happy to be able to come in and see that there is something new to read!

    This was a very nice piece to read. I enjoyed the colorful descriptions that you used...especially the "orange juice sunrise.". Aside from that I had one thing to say about what I would maybe consider changing and that is...switching the words release and cleansing. I personally think that it would sound smoother to say, something to the affect of a "cleansing release". That part of it just seemed a bit choppy and took away from the poem just a tad for me. Other than that, you had wonderful descriptions for the changing sky. Great job...thanks for sharing!

    Candi
    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by dreamweaver | [ Reply to This ]
      Not a bad start, but I think it needs work. I like a couple of the lines (faded into baby blue reality,Overcome with weight, a release) but I don't see much in the way of imagery here. The mixing of colors in line 11 would be a good opportunity.

    Sky poems are pretty common and it's VERY hard to set something like this apart from the rest because it's so difficult to say something original.

    I think you have that capability - this just needs to get there.

    | Posted on 2006-04-21 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      I saw the sky yesterday. All the colors you have described and the wonderful feelings they invoked after so many days of dreary grey. It was natures beautiful picture. She let me glimpse it for a while before she took the colors away and left me with just the greys.

    This piece, with its vividness, makes me long for those colors again. Beautifully written with the love of nature.

    Brightest Blessings,
    Crystal
    | Posted on 2006-05-21 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]


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