Description: This one is a little weird. It's off of the beaten path that i tend to stick to. That can be good or bad. Anyway, as always, I hope that it affords as much happiness to the readers, as it did to me. It must be nice to be a frog, lily-pads are the best spots to rest.
Floating on a Lily-pad -------------------------------------------
As lily-pads float on the quiet
undisturbed
surface of my mind
thoughts are pushed to the bottom.
Pond scum left for bottom feeders
I watch them float,
deeper and deeper
till the disappearing act is through.
Little rings form as droplets
fall on my nose,
sun-browned
and the crowning glory of my lazy loll.
Rain clouds seem no matter
my lily pad
comfortable and dry
remains my bed for the afternoon.
Showers pass as winters will
and my pond
cool and refreshing
is left without the little ripples
the imagery in this poem was fantastic, snaps. An interesting and fresh way to describe your mind.
one suggestion, take it or leave it, it's up to you of course.
the very beginning "As lily-pads float on the quiet undisturbed surface of my mind thoughts are pushed to the bottom.
Pond scum left for bottom feeders I watch them float, deeper and deeper till the disappearing act is through."
Bottom sounds repeated even though it's describing two very different things... may i suggest using a different word during "thoughts are pushed..." maybe down or farther... that might muss up your lovely rhythm I don't know, lol
anyways cheers!! this was original and simply brill.
I think this flowed rather well. However, your fourth stanza was a bit weird to read out... I definitely think you need to reword that slightly. As it is, it's rather awkward. 'Rain clouds seem no matter' - no matter what? Then you segue into 'my lily pad'... do you see what I mean by this part being really confusing? Are you meaning something like: 'Rain clouds are always here although my lily pad is comfortable and dry, which remains my bed for the afternoon.'? It's not a literal suggestion, just a question to you if this is what you were meaning to convey in this part.
Hmm. I reread that part and I think you're missing a semi-colon and comma that is needed. This is what I mean: 'Rain clouds seem no matter(;) my lily pad comfortable and dry(,) remains my bed for the afternoon.' Now this makes a lot more sense and gives the right pauses to me. But this is just my opinion.
I like how you end this with a singular line... the conclusion etc which you've wonderfully wrapped this up with.
Overall, I found the tone of this to be very reflective and calming, with great attention to detail that lets the reader envisage what you are seeing and feeling. So... props for that.
And that's all I can really say right now. Peace, Jase
Almost religious in the flow of it's rhythm, lending itself to be looked back upon with fondness, seeing how the words relate to the previous stanzas. The third line of each stanza is like a drumbeat, compelling.
There are some words that could be omitted without affecting the message, and as I like to say, sometimes less is more. No more than a thorn on the stem of a rose, really hard to notice unless you have the habit of picking it up to take a smell.
All in all this is quite beautiful, and as you have designed it, soothing to the reader. Thanks!
First I want to get this one issue out of the way. I see the word till and that is fine I just want you to maybe consider the word until. The word till I guess is the one thing that really just makes me shiver, with some it is the nails on the chalk board thing with me it is ‘till’ any ways not a big deal just had to say it. I liked it. The structure was nice and the wording and everything, but I did not really get too interested in it. Then nature is not my fav subject either. There is not a whole lot to say about it. It is still I nicely done piece. ~ SonAsylum aka Aaron
Submission Name: Floating on a Lily-pad
