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Meditations In An Emergency Analysis

Author: Poetry of Frank O'Hara Type: Poetry Views: 280

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Am I to become profligate as if I were a blonde? Or religious

as if I were French?Each time my heart is broken it makes me feel more adventurous

(and how the same names keep recurring on that interminable

list!), but one of these days there'll be nothing left with

which to venture forth.Why should I share you? Why don't you get rid of someone else

for a change?I am the least difficult of men.All I want is boundless love.Even trees understand me! Good heavens, I lie under them, too,

don't I? I'm just like a pile of leaves.However, I have never clogged myself with the praises of

pastoral life, nor with nostalgia for an innocent past of

perverted acts in pastures.No.One need never leave the

confines of New York to get all the greenery one wishes--I can't

even enjoy a blade of grass unless i know there's a subway

handy, or a record store or some other sign that people do not

totally _regret_ life.It is more important to affirm the

least sincere; the clouds get enough attention as it is and

even they continue to pass.Do they know what they're missing?

Uh huh.My eyes are vague blue, like the sky, and change all the time;

they are indiscriminate but fleeting, entirely specific and

disloyal, so that no one trusts me.I am always looking away.

Or again at something after it has given me up.It makes me

restless and that makes me unhappy, but I cannot keep them

still.If only i had grey, green, black, brown, yellow eyes; I

would stay at home and do something.It's not that I'm

curious.On the contrary, I am bored but it's my duty to be

attentive, I am needed by things as the sky must be above the

earth.And lately, so great has _their_ anxiety become, I can

spare myself little sleep.Now there is only one man I like to kiss when he is unshaven.

Heterosexuality! you are inexorably approaching.(How best

discourage her?)St. Serapion, I wrap myself in the robes of your whiteness

which is like midnight in Dostoevsky.How I am to become a

legend, my dear?I've tried love, but that holds you in the

bosom of another and I'm always springing forth from it like

the lotus--the ecstasy of always bursting forth!(but one must

not be distracted by it!) or like a hyacinth, "to keep the

filth of life away," yes, even in the heart, where the filth is

pumped in and slanders and pollutes and determines.I will my

will, though I may become famous for a mysterious vacancy in

that department, that greenhouse.Destroy yourself, if you don't know!It is easy to be beautiful; it is difficult to appear so.I

admire you, beloved, for the trap you've set.It's like a

final chapter no one reads because the plot is over."Fanny Brown is run away--scampered off with a Cornet of Horse;

I do love that little Minx, & hope She may be happy, tho' She

has vexed me by this exploit a little too.--Poor silly

Cecchina! or F:B: as we used to call her.--I wish She had a

good Whipping and 10,000 pounds."--Mrs. ThraleI've got to get out of here.I choose a piece of shawl and my

dirtiest suntans.I'll be back, I'll re-emerge, defeated, from

the valley; you don't want me to go where you go, so I go where

you don't want me to.It's only afternoon, there's a lot

ahead.There won't be any mail downstairs.Turning, I spit in

the lock and the knob turns.


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